Sloane Bologna

Sloane,

Wow... I cannot believe that you are heading towards 11 months old!
With so much going on one can easily become lost and overwhelmed... but, you bring be back from the insanity... always.
You have begun to go from a "few" steps, to full blown walking in days... Your little baby jeans move so adorably with each step.

You always amaze me.
I am one truly blessed mama to have you in my life.

I remember when I had my tarot cards read for my 35th Birthday, the reader stated that you would be an amazing person.. actually the word she used was Buddha. She also stated that your brother Adrayn would be a Healer... and I can see that happening with all of his experiences with Doctors and Hospitals.

Back to you... my beautiful Sloane. So patient with me as I tend to your brother's needs. You have the most genuine and gentle soul I have ever come into contact with. Full of hugs and kisses... following your big brother around so curiously.
You love ANY food that is placed in front of you. You are not picky whatsoever like Adrayn was. One area that you could stand improvement in would be the car... you despise being in the car... anything over 10 minutes and we hear the ear piercing wail that could easily render one deaf.

You love to co-sleep with us, and feel your mama nice and close... you nuzzle your way right in towards my warm breath.

I love you so much. I couldn't have been more blessed to have you in my life.
xo,
Mama

My Tiny Tim

Our son, Adrayn, had his second seizure today... well, as far as I know it's his second. This was also the day that my Mother-in-law had purchased tickets for Jeremy, myself and my two amazing step kids to see "A Christmas Carol" at the Guthrie. After plenty of rest and cuddles, Adrayn did get back to his old ways, so we made the call to keep with our plans and see the play that was so generously gifted to us (with a cell phone in my sweaty hand the whole while), and left the wee ones in my Mother-in-law's very capable hands.

I have seen this movie, and smaller production of this play before... however, this time it resonated with me more than ever. My little Tiny Tim... my little Adrayn. I watched Tiny Tim at the dinner table with his family... he was such a positive soul , creating smiles all around. Then, again later as they carried his miniature casket through the town with sullen looks... and lastly, when Scrooge snapped out if his greedy, lonesome trance and they said Tiny Tim would live and grow to do many wonderful things... and I cried... no, I balled... my little Tiny Tim... my Adrayn.

Being a parent isn't an easy task... if I could go back in time and re-do it all, of course I would... but before doing so I would breathe the air deeply... the air, free of heartache... that only being a parent, no... only that loving someone with all that you are, can bring...
Yes, being a parent brings much joy, but the heartache is almost unbearable at times.... times like these.

Please love your little ones... let them know you love them endlessly... say it daily, hourly... I will never breathe air again like I once did, and that is okay, but if you can... please take a big breath for me.

We have an EEG on January 2nd... we hope for some answers. In the meantime we'll be trying the Ketogenic diet (supposed to work well with child seizures), and chiropractic visits. Also, it never hurts to ask... please keep Adrayn in your thoughts and prayers.



Mucho Love.

Reminder

Thank you universe!!!
I was feeling a bit down in the dumps due to lack of sleep and finances... but life has a subtle way of reminding us that we are awesome... right when we need it most.

Thank you to my wonderful client for the kind words... your timing was perfect, and I literally got a re-boot after a sleepless night with my little teething babe.

Lastly, but never least... thank you to my husband for reminding me of how awesome we are together. I was reminded all over again how much you love me as you sang along to "lady" with all sincerity in your beautifully tone-deaf octave's.

I adore you my cheese-ball.
I am, and will always be... your lady.



Look for your reminder today. It is there, you just need to be open to receiving it.

Mucho Love!

Baby girl...

 Sloane Bologna (Boppa's nickname for you),


Wow... where has the time gone?!
You are nearing 9 months old already!


I fall more in love with you more each day. From your smiling face in the morning... to your warm breaths as you sleep. My little Sloane.


I must admit that I was a tad fearful of having you... a little girl. I was raised around boys, and felt more at ease around boys... I knew that you would change me, as your sister has... for the better.


I hope to have the mother/daughter relationship where you look up to me as a guide, trust me like a dear friend, and laugh with me like a carefree child.
I wish us a beautiful relationship, but also a beautiful individuality. I don't want to change you, but assist you in blossoming into Sloane.


You are now eating avocados, bananas, all baby foods, and wafer crackers. You are currently still being breastfed and take formula when I'm away at work. I would say that your first word was Mama... but that's up for conjecture as it always seems to be unintentional (doo da MAMA sssss dooo)... but hey, we'll stick with that for now. :)


Papa likes to set you on the toilet at 10:30am every morning so you can "expel waste", and it is actually working... well, 50% of the time. The other 50% we still get you to the toilet, but just not as timely. You seem to love it, and I think you will be quick to pick that up.
You sure are a quick little learner! You are constantly pulling yourself up to tables, couches, and even a leg! You have dared to stand on your own (by 8 months!), but seem to not be in a rush toward walking freely.


Take your time little one... I have all the time in the world to watch you grow.


I am so blessed to have you in my life little one. Thank you for choosing me as your mother.
You are amazing.
I look forward to all that you have yet to show me as I have already learned so much from you.


Mucho Love,
xo-Mama

Turn, turn, turn.

Another year of life is looming in the coming week... I'll be turning the big 3-5.

This year (more than any other) I am taking the time to reflect. To really soak in my current position in life.

I am reflecting with questions like:
What do I give?
What do I take?
Who do I choose to surround myself with? Is this a beneficial relationship?
What I have I failed at, and in turn, learned?
What can I do to better my situation?
Do I pause enough?
What do I want? Where do I want to be?

This particular year I have taken on quite a bit more than any other. I've had a lot to tackle from my daughter's pregnancy and birth, my son's many ER visits, my step kids schedules, my teeth, my business, my home, and my extended family... the list goes on and on... and not minor issues at that.

Here I am, reflecting... I look with these unbiased eyes (well, as unbiased as I can be) and see... with clarity. I see that we are all lost... trying to figure this whole thing out.
Still...
Always...

The only thing that will separate you from me in this world is how we react, and what we take from our lessons and reflections (if we choose to pause and reflect). Their aren't any right or wrong answers, but maybe... more thoughtful and reflected upon ones... and, that's what I want for myself. To be honest, thorough, and genuine.

In the end, I hope that I am reacting the best way... the way that creates the least harm and the most love (for others as well as myself). The way that inspires and makes hearts beat with joy...
This is the kind of year I want for myself. That is the kind of year that, in reflection, I deserve.

For my Birthday in the coming week I will take all of your love and well wishes... roll them up in a big ball and smash it with a loud bear hug... for I am 35, and this is my year!

Like the song says, "To Everything There is a Season", and this will be my season of blooming joy! 

Turn, turn, turn - The Byrds

Mucho Love!

Chew on this...

I am a wife, mother, and step-mother. 

My children have an amazing father. All four of them. I see the word "equality" floating around a lot lately... mainly in regards to gay marriage. However, this is not the only area in which equality has yet to gain momentum... there is also the area of Fatherhood. I hope that someday our Government will see all Fathers as equals to Mothers. In my humble opinion, I believe that it is barbaric to assume one is better, or more needed than the other. All parents are needed... the more love the merrier!!!

I was reminded of this today, when I saw Jeremy at play with our young ones. I realized in this awareness that I am blessed. I see him for the amazing person and parent he is, and for all that he can teach, give and love. I am lucky enough to be enlightened... actually, it's quite simple... love. We must not ask anything of each other, but only give and allow others the same right. The equal right. 

After an scary incident that I was placed in this summer with my son... I am aware of how quickly it all can change, and how beautiful it all truly is. I am awake. I am grateful. 

Mucho Love!

30 seconds

"Mama close your eyes..... Mama open them......"

I am under a big white sheet with the biggest blue eyes smiling at me.

"Mama close your eyes.....", tears just stream a hot liquid down the side of my face and then I kiss those warm cheeks filled with rosy life cuddled up next to me.

I have my little boy.

I cannot forget one detail. It is forever imprinted in my brain.

Beautiful day. Sunny... blue skies, puffy white clouds.

Adrayn was sitting on the outside of the ladder to the pool as Jeremy went in with Sloane inside the house to get ready for work. I was beginning to mow the back yard with an old push mower as Adrayn was filling up a medicine syringe in the pool and squirting me with every pass of mowing... Giggling the whole while.

When Jeremy came out to head to work my attention moved.... 30 seconds.

Jeremy asked where Adrayn was. I ran to the pool. He was there.... At the bottom..

I turned into a machine right then.

My emotions were gone. I jumped over the side and scooped up his limp body... I noticed he was twitching under the water. I then laid him on the ground and saw that his face was blue... he was not breathing. Jeremy placed Sloane down and ran over in disbelief. I have never seen fear in this man like I did yesterday.

He started rescue breathing and then placed Adrayn on his side.

I picked Sloane up and dialed 911. The ambulance was in our backyard in 2 minutes or less.

Jeremy got Adrayn breathing prior to the ambulance so we started seeing the blue slip away to gray... Then flesh... I then jumped in the ambulance with Adrayn and Jeremy stayed back with Sloane to meet us at HCMC by car.

We were rushed to the ER to get a chest x-ray. Adrayn was talking on the ambulance ride but when we arrived to HCMC he was lethargic so more tests.

After 2 hours we were sent to pediatrics for overnight supervision.

My beautiful little boy is here.

I urge you to all rethink those summer pools as it was so silent, and Adrayn was always confident in the pool prior to this incident (always with supervision, of course). He was dying and I didn't know....I wasn't there when my baby needed me. Thoughts still race through my mind... what was he thinking, what if Jeremy didn't ask? I have to let it go and just be thankful.

I am... I am sooooo thankful that he is alive, and that my reaction was survival mode, and that Jeremy asked where he was and was a pro at rescue breathing. I am so thankful that Adrayn is sitting next to me with a new chance at life and yapping my head off about snowballs and staining my shirt with cherry juice.

It hit me last night when he was wide awake in the hospital at 10pm..."Mama close your eyes... Mama open them".... this would have been a game that we almost never got a chance to play....

Hug your babies extra tight tonight. Be thankful. It only takes 30 seconds.

The final countdown

Yawn... ahhh.... 

Here I am, up waaaay too late... but the kids are at the drive-in with do-it-all-dad (aka Jeremy), and I cannot help but realize how much I have to be thankful for.

It is the final countdown before the Spa opens, and I can begin to breathe again... but as I begin to breathe I am feeling a tad tearful... in the most amazing way.
I am proud... of myself, my friends, my family... this is really happening?! I have managed school, then pregnancy, then working when pregnant, now baby and opening a spa?!

Why am I so lucky? How did this all get to this point?
Last I remember I was left with a choice, and I cannot help but think that it was the best thing that has happened in my professional life yet. I was introduced to an amazing talent... with whom I am partnering with in opening Tula. Not to mention the help that we have gotten... it's like all the previous jobs I have ever held have led me to today... again... tearful.. 

I am in awe. 

Thank you all for helping make my/our dream happen! I cannot put any words into the feeling that I have right this moment... it creates chills, and fills my heart all at once... just no words can begin to describe it.

Thank you MORE than you can ever know Lisa, Corey, Claire & Lissa... this is more than just a project... it is a future for a family as well as a freedom for a friend to do what her passion is... and you helped make that happen!

You are truly the dream-maker team.

Carisa and I must have some amazing karma!

Mucho Love!

Amy

Mother's Day take 2

To all my fellow Step Mama's out there...

I want to share a story as this coming Sunday (Sunday following Mothers Day) is Stepmothers Day.

A few months back I recall pulling taffy with my stepdaughter... The recipe said "pull taffy for 20 minutes", and after 35 minutes with sloppy, sticky taffy still glued to my hands I looked to my stepdaughter and decided to make the best of it. Although I was tired from a full day of giving massages I pulled out my silliest voice and said "It's time to make ze muscles ven ve pull de tah-FE"... and it's then... right then, when her exhausted face turned into magic. Her eyes lit up and she started in with her own silly voice.... and I knew it... I helped make that happen.

That's what being a step parent is... it's what being a parent is...  because in the end we are all teachers, chefs, inspirations, and loves to all of our children. We may not see it now... but we will someday.

Happiest of Days... cherish your role in the little ones eyes, as you are magical.


Mucho Love!

I am grateful.

I am grateful to have a husband that was open to and pushing for a home birth.

I am grateful to my friend Claire for sharing her home birth story with me, as well introducing me to the wonder-women that make up Trillium Midwifery (Emme, Clare, and Renee).

I am grateful that I chose Trillium Midwifery as my home birth provider...
They were patient with me as I went into labor early in the morning one morning... they all came to my home late that night/early morning and slept on my floor curled up in front of the fireplace... only to leave the next morning with no baby delivered.
I am grateful that they were always filled with such loving words of support when I was pushing two weeks overdue (miscalculated by HCMC)... when I was scared and uncomfortable they soothed my aches away with kindness and love.

I am grateful that they were here for my beautiful birth , I could not have envisioned a more beautiful birth, and Trillium helped make this all come to fruition. I am grateful for Clare's soft massages, Emme's soft words, and Renee's soft touch to my baby girl.  I would not change one moment... one second, as it was perfection in every way.

Thanks you Clare, for coming to my home to drop off medication on your own time... Emme, for knitting the most beautiful hat as unique as my little girl, and Renee for being so soft and gentle when pricking my little girls heel... I could see that you cared so much as you applied a warm towel to ease the process. You are all are truly amazing women.

I am so grateful to live where I do, to have access to this opportunity, and would recommend this experience to any woman thinking about having a child.

My little Sloane was born into love... into warm water, calm lighting, soft voices, and warm hearts.

Thank you with the utmost love and gratitude. You ladies will forever be embedded into my heart and my daughters. The tale of her birth will always bring a smile to my face, a tear of joy to my eye, and warmth to my heart.

I only have one regret, and that is that I do not have a picture of all of us. Maybe someday I can swing by and take one. I would love Sloane to know the wonderful team that helped bring her into this world.

Mucho Love to all the beautiful souls at Trillium Midwifery.
May you deliver many more babies in such a way that I was fortunate enough to experience.

-Amy

First Loves

Dear Parker and Presley,

I have been wanting to write you for so long, but it hasn't ever come together like I'm hoping it will today. My mood is right... the kids are busy with Papa... it is time.

I wanted to thank you from a space that had been untouched in my heart until I met you. My glowing beautiful children... step children...
You have awakened a part of me that I didn't know I could handle. You have shown me a side of myself that I always wanted to be. I am more than thankful to have met you in this lifetime as well as to still have you in my life... in Adrayn and Sloane's life as well.

I remember Parker... when you were so small and shy... then once you warmed up to me you were loud and wild just like your untamed red lion's mane. You were so excited about being outdoors and when you were pent up all winter you were not shy to run around the house naked... I even remember a time when you were showing me how you could blast a toy rocket off of your "boy parts"... yep... I'm sure that will be embarrassing someday... like now. :)
Now, you are more reserved, and protective of your feelings. A bit more video games and books. I still see the fire in your eyes when you and your Papa wrestle or you play in the pool on a hot summer day. I love you dearly my beautiful red headed step child. More than you know.

Oh Presley... my sweet, thoughtful girl... you were only a mere 4 years old when I met you... I am probably the only woman you truly remember your father with. You always wanted to copy everything I did... from my beauty mark to my shoes... this helped me to want to be a better person. Always. Your thoughtfulness has never escaped you, even as you grow older... you have become even more thoughtful! I look forward to our cooking/baking concoctions gone awry! At least we know that it typically takes only 3 times to get it right! I will never forget our taffy pulling, or Kids News... you always know how to crack me up. Love you!

I am so loved, and blessed in this life. I am truly surrounded by the most amazing people... and you two top the charts.

Mucho love my sweets. I know I am not your birth mom, but I do know that I love you more than you will ever know, and to me... that's what a parent is all about.

Littlest love

Dearest Sloane,
My little beautiful girl, you are now over 4 weeks old. It is truly mind blowing how fast time seems to fly by.
You have your moments... blissful baby, to fussy belly baby... still trying to adapt to our world, I'm sure. I have already gone back to work and you seem to be managing just fine with your very attentive Papa.
Your older brother, Adrayn, was a bit curious and a tad jealous of you initially... but that seems to have worn off, and he is just plain old curious and loving these days.
He wants to hold you and kiss you on most days, and when you fuss in the car he is sure to be the first to peek under the blanket and shush you back to sleep.

Papa still cannot accept the fact that you look just like him. I think a part of him is a little nervous that you could still change your looks and he is remaining reserved just in case. There is no denying it my love... you are Papa's little girl indeed.

Parker and Presley adore you as well. We all hope that they will be more of a presence in your life than they have been these last few months as life is fleeting, and in the end... what really matters is family. I know you will adore your biggest brother as you seem to have a serious temperament much like his... and you will adore the thoughtfulness and boisterous humor of you big sister... your brother Adrayn sure does!

I know you change on a daily basis, but I just wanted to write this little love letter before time slips away yet again.

I love you my sweet.
I love your coos.
I love how your curious eyes wander.
I love how you stare at your brother while he entertains you with a dance, or a silly voice.
I love your tiny feet and how they wiggle.
I love how you cling to me at night.
I love how soft your hair is.
I love how your Papa glows when he looks at you.
I love how serious you seem to be with your little furrowed brow (just like Papa).
and most of all, I love to feel your warm little body while you nurse when I get home from work.

I know that this list will only grow with time, and I am truly blessed to have such a beautiful family to love and share this life with. I know you will love this family too my sweet.

Sweet Dreams my little heart,
Mama

2.5.13

Sloane Dray Frandrup

2.5.13

5:47pm

7lbs 12oz

21"

You share a birthday with William Burroughs, Laura Linney, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Bobby Brown.

Wow... another amazing birth. Although, this one stands far apart from my last for several reasons. Firstly, Jeremy and I decided to have you at home, so you are a home birth tale (right in our dining room... yummy)!
Secondly, I had several "false calls" in this pregnancy. I thought I was going into labor in early January and again mid-January... with Adrayn everything was more cookie cutter... with him labor was five minutes apart and that was that. This was much more sporadic.

During the night of 2/5 I awoke with some harmless cramps, but nothing horribly painful. That morning these "harmless" cramps/contractions started gaining speed and intensity so we decided to call our home birth midwife team (Trillium Midwifery). One of our midwives offered to stop by on her way to a couple appointments to check things out. Upon her arrival at 11am we found that I was dilated to 3cm, and my cervix was like butter, which I guess is a great thing! She offered to stay, but I told her that this could be awhile and we'd call her. Later that day, Jeremy called the midwives and they arrived to a bit more action at 3pm. At this point I was still in disbelief that you were actually on your way... two false calls will change a person, but I would state that actual "active labor" started around 3-3:30pm.
After the Trillium Midwife team arrived, contractions progressed VERY quickly, and by 4:15pm I was in the home birth tub that was in our dining room... at 5:40 my contractions turned to pushes... at 5:43 your little head was out and filled with the thickest black hair... then I stopped. I was never too great at the "transition" period and started to freak out internally... I tried not to show it, but I was losing it... I felt that I couldn't go any further. Then one of the midwives came up to the tub and in a quiet, calm voice said "breathe... you were made to do this"... that is all I needed. After a short pause I was back, and more importantly I was centered and ready to meet you. This is it... my last baby, my last "first vision" of the beauty that Jeremy and I create.
Here it goes.... 5:47pm, Sloane Dray Frandrup is born.

My beloved Jeremy was the "catcher" and boy did he do any amazing job! He was there when the contractions were few but I had gotten no sleep. He rubbed my heels for hours so that I could sleep before things kicked in. He rubbed my back when the contractions were so intense that I felt so alone until his large warm hands put pressure on my lower back. He had that pressure spot-on as well... it was magical how it took some of the pain away. Then, you... he saw you first. He touched you first... his daughter, his joy... his last baby. Once your head appeared Papa stated that it is the oddest sensation to just watch and wait... looking down at your progeny underwater staring back at you... your first reaction is to SAVE YOUR CHILD FROM DROWNING!! Well, no need... she was safely breathing through the umbilical cord still. So he patiently waited for her full body to slide through the birth canal with his guidance, then proceeded to pass her under the water towards my loving, yet exhausted embrace.

Wow... this was too smooth... were my thoughts... Wow... she is amazing, she is so beautiful... she isn't breathing?!
After a short period of confusion to Sloane's quiet state we decided to blow her a breath... she was more than fine I realize now. She just likes to hold her breath rather than cry we are seeing (something Jeremy also did as a newborn, and infant... odd?!). What a little heart stopper!

Since this is a home birth story I notice it is much more calm than my story with Adrayn at the hospital. No rushing us in any way... no constant interruptions... no "doing without explanation"... Everything was constant and calm this day.

After about 5 minutes of bonding in the birth tub we decided to head over to the couch (which was fully prepared with sheets and pads) to deliver the placenta. This process was also easier than with Adrayn. The whole time I am holding you, Sloane. Your eyes are open and you were quietly aware.
After the placenta delivery the midwives noticed that I was bleeding a tad too heavily for their liking (I lost two times the average blood loss with Adrayn, so we were all prepared for a hemorrhage). One midwife then decided to give me a shot of pitocin in order to contract the uterus quickly.
All in all I ended up losing the same amount of blood 750-800ml, BUT I did not feel the same exhaustion and pain that I did with Adrayn. I have also had a faster recovery... except for these darn cramps... those are worse round two, but I hear that is common.

After your placenta was delivered Jeremy and I were given a very informational "Placenta tour" and options of what to do with the placenta. I chose to have it encapsulated as it is supposed to assist with recovery and emotions.
You are such a great baby! So quiet and curious... you immediately latched on and we had no issues with feeding, so after a good meal we decided to tuck us into bed. This took approx one hour with the addition of a physical for baby & Mama, and then the midwives were out the door by 8pm!

What a perfect birth.. 3pm-5:47pm, then clean-up and physicals until 8pm... then we get to sleep in our OWN bed without being pestered all night?! We are SOLD on home birth for life!!!

The midwives came back immediately the next morning, and again day 3 and 7 to check on us... it was and literally is the best birth and post-birth story I could envision. I am so grateful to have had this as an option. Financially we would have paid the same for a hospital birth. I am so glad that I overlooked my initial fears with the hemorrhage and did a home birth... now I have had this amazing experience and Sloane has had the most calm birth.


I am smitten... we all are. Adrayn met you when you were 3 days old and he has already been such a great big brother stating "Mama. I want pick it up". You will soon meet your brother Parker and sister Presley, and Presley won the guess on your due date, so she gets to choose the take out for the night... Chinese it is! Ironically, we received a Chinese Food flyer in the mail the day you were born... meant to be, and what a sisterly bond already! :)

Well... I am sleepy. As quiet and calm as you are (unlike Adrayn's newborn colic self) I still find myself in need of sleep at night.
I love you my little girl. My love only grows daily every time I look into your eyes. You look just like your Papa. I am so blessed to have the amazing family that I do.
Life is good.

Mucho Love!

Post-due, Postpartum & PostAL

Well... here we are... still.

So many opinions, emotions, aches...

I know Sloane is on her way... well I guess I don't know, but can only hope. My mom has come and gone, and my mother in law is eagerly sitting on the sidelines ready to assist when needed.
I have been on maternity leave for almost 2 weeks now, and am looking at extending it as I haven't delivered a baby yet?!
I don't want to be giving a massage and... "Excuse me, I will right with you... I must change my diaper and cry"... I can only assume my clients would prefer I stay home and mend myself over this scenario.

In the meantime... I sit here. Everyone with baited breath... I feel like a walking bomb... I know everyone is waiting on Sloane, but ultimately must feel that on some level I have some control over the situation. I hear it all, and I have done it all... spicy food, walks, squats, sex, castor oil, eaten dates, sex, laugh, Clary sage, acupressure, massage, dance, and sex.... yes, MANY opinions, and YES... I have done them ALL (just because I didn't list it above doesn't mean I didn't try it)!

I hope HCMC was at least a week off with their guesstimate... my original due-date was 2/8/13, and then HCMC took an ultrasound and said "Heck no girl, you are 3 weeks further than you think!"... well, either that's true or the fetuses that Jeremy and I create are big growers. Adrayn was assumed to be 1 week further, but was born on the "original due date", and at 7.5lbs... not big by any means.

I want to meet you Sloane. I want to be your mama, and selfishly I don't want to be this uncomfortable anymore. My pelvic bone is broken, and where it used to be is a fatty mass of who knows what. I can still smile and say that I am somehow avoiding stretch marks... for the time being, anyways. Please let me have that one shred of happiness!

I am also realizing that as a society we do not embrace 40+ weeks of pregnancy... those that choose to remain pregnant, waiting for nature to take it's course, rather than induce. I know I have many vents above, and that this has been my "choice" to remain pregnant at this point... but I just want Sloane to come when she is ready ultimately... I want that to be NOW, but in the end, I want her to be fully-cooked and healthy. It isn't easy... this place of in-between.

“You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you, Peter Pan. That’s where I’ll be waiting.” -Tinkerbell

I love you all, and hope to be back to my sun-shiny-self in no time. I just need to have this baby and see her beautiful smile... and hold her (hopefully not 10lb) little, fragile body.
My little girl... my little Sloane.

Mucho Love!

Under Pressure

Wow, what a roller coaster this month has been... false labor New Years Day due to a stomach bug, then real labor starts yesterday and progresses steadily only to diminish after 4 hours.
I guess everything was just so timely with Adrayn's birth that I assumed this would go as smoothly. I thought that I'd "just know" like I did with him.
Today is Sloane's "due date" and here I sit in my living room, typing this blog... all of the kids are off to their mom's or Grandma's, a birthing tub is half filled in the dining room due to my latest false alarm, many family members calling/emailng curious to any updates that may be happening,  a moody husband trying to "make it happen" by any means he can control, my mom flying in today... and my anxieties are overloaded.  I am a people pleaser... I want to make everyone happy... Jeremy, Kids, Family, Midwives, and it has all taken over. This anxiety could very well be the culpret that is holding my body back from giving birth. So tense... so frustrated.
What am I not letting go of? Why won't Sloane just come? It would be one thing if she just didn't give me signs, but starting labor and having 3 midwives spend the night also in full belief that you are having a baby is just torture.
Maybe I was given this hand so that I would understand why some women choose to be induced? I am planning to stay the natural path, but I totally can see now what I did not with Adrayn. It is frustrating!
I know some of you may say "What's the big deal, your due date is today, be patient", well... as true as that is... it is a tad different when you throw in two false labors. It does change your mindset. It's like winning the lottery and then going to collect and realizing it was all a joke. However, in this case the lottery will come. If not, I will be known as the one woman on the planet that remains pregnant without ever birthing... and let's not put our minds there because that is just way too entirely depressing for me to imagine at this moment.
Sloane, Sloane, Sloane.... I know you will come when you are ready. Maybe this is your personality shining  through inutero letting me know that you will challenge me in life... or maybe it is a sign that I need to relax more in life and just let things happen as they will.
I know it's cozy in there, but it sounds like we both could work on letting go. ;)
Love you sweetheart, and I cannot wait to meet you!
-Mama