I am grateful.

I am grateful to have a husband that was open to and pushing for a home birth.

I am grateful to my friend Claire for sharing her home birth story with me, as well introducing me to the wonder-women that make up Trillium Midwifery (Emme, Clare, and Renee).

I am grateful that I chose Trillium Midwifery as my home birth provider...
They were patient with me as I went into labor early in the morning one morning... they all came to my home late that night/early morning and slept on my floor curled up in front of the fireplace... only to leave the next morning with no baby delivered.
I am grateful that they were always filled with such loving words of support when I was pushing two weeks overdue (miscalculated by HCMC)... when I was scared and uncomfortable they soothed my aches away with kindness and love.

I am grateful that they were here for my beautiful birth , I could not have envisioned a more beautiful birth, and Trillium helped make this all come to fruition. I am grateful for Clare's soft massages, Emme's soft words, and Renee's soft touch to my baby girl.  I would not change one moment... one second, as it was perfection in every way.

Thanks you Clare, for coming to my home to drop off medication on your own time... Emme, for knitting the most beautiful hat as unique as my little girl, and Renee for being so soft and gentle when pricking my little girls heel... I could see that you cared so much as you applied a warm towel to ease the process. You are all are truly amazing women.

I am so grateful to live where I do, to have access to this opportunity, and would recommend this experience to any woman thinking about having a child.

My little Sloane was born into love... into warm water, calm lighting, soft voices, and warm hearts.

Thank you with the utmost love and gratitude. You ladies will forever be embedded into my heart and my daughters. The tale of her birth will always bring a smile to my face, a tear of joy to my eye, and warmth to my heart.

I only have one regret, and that is that I do not have a picture of all of us. Maybe someday I can swing by and take one. I would love Sloane to know the wonderful team that helped bring her into this world.

Mucho Love to all the beautiful souls at Trillium Midwifery.
May you deliver many more babies in such a way that I was fortunate enough to experience.

-Amy

First Loves

Dear Parker and Presley,

I have been wanting to write you for so long, but it hasn't ever come together like I'm hoping it will today. My mood is right... the kids are busy with Papa... it is time.

I wanted to thank you from a space that had been untouched in my heart until I met you. My glowing beautiful children... step children...
You have awakened a part of me that I didn't know I could handle. You have shown me a side of myself that I always wanted to be. I am more than thankful to have met you in this lifetime as well as to still have you in my life... in Adrayn and Sloane's life as well.

I remember Parker... when you were so small and shy... then once you warmed up to me you were loud and wild just like your untamed red lion's mane. You were so excited about being outdoors and when you were pent up all winter you were not shy to run around the house naked... I even remember a time when you were showing me how you could blast a toy rocket off of your "boy parts"... yep... I'm sure that will be embarrassing someday... like now. :)
Now, you are more reserved, and protective of your feelings. A bit more video games and books. I still see the fire in your eyes when you and your Papa wrestle or you play in the pool on a hot summer day. I love you dearly my beautiful red headed step child. More than you know.

Oh Presley... my sweet, thoughtful girl... you were only a mere 4 years old when I met you... I am probably the only woman you truly remember your father with. You always wanted to copy everything I did... from my beauty mark to my shoes... this helped me to want to be a better person. Always. Your thoughtfulness has never escaped you, even as you grow older... you have become even more thoughtful! I look forward to our cooking/baking concoctions gone awry! At least we know that it typically takes only 3 times to get it right! I will never forget our taffy pulling, or Kids News... you always know how to crack me up. Love you!

I am so loved, and blessed in this life. I am truly surrounded by the most amazing people... and you two top the charts.

Mucho love my sweets. I know I am not your birth mom, but I do know that I love you more than you will ever know, and to me... that's what a parent is all about.

Littlest love

Dearest Sloane,
My little beautiful girl, you are now over 4 weeks old. It is truly mind blowing how fast time seems to fly by.
You have your moments... blissful baby, to fussy belly baby... still trying to adapt to our world, I'm sure. I have already gone back to work and you seem to be managing just fine with your very attentive Papa.
Your older brother, Adrayn, was a bit curious and a tad jealous of you initially... but that seems to have worn off, and he is just plain old curious and loving these days.
He wants to hold you and kiss you on most days, and when you fuss in the car he is sure to be the first to peek under the blanket and shush you back to sleep.

Papa still cannot accept the fact that you look just like him. I think a part of him is a little nervous that you could still change your looks and he is remaining reserved just in case. There is no denying it my love... you are Papa's little girl indeed.

Parker and Presley adore you as well. We all hope that they will be more of a presence in your life than they have been these last few months as life is fleeting, and in the end... what really matters is family. I know you will adore your biggest brother as you seem to have a serious temperament much like his... and you will adore the thoughtfulness and boisterous humor of you big sister... your brother Adrayn sure does!

I know you change on a daily basis, but I just wanted to write this little love letter before time slips away yet again.

I love you my sweet.
I love your coos.
I love how your curious eyes wander.
I love how you stare at your brother while he entertains you with a dance, or a silly voice.
I love your tiny feet and how they wiggle.
I love how you cling to me at night.
I love how soft your hair is.
I love how your Papa glows when he looks at you.
I love how serious you seem to be with your little furrowed brow (just like Papa).
and most of all, I love to feel your warm little body while you nurse when I get home from work.

I know that this list will only grow with time, and I am truly blessed to have such a beautiful family to love and share this life with. I know you will love this family too my sweet.

Sweet Dreams my little heart,
Mama

2.5.13

Sloane Dray Frandrup

2.5.13

5:47pm

7lbs 12oz

21"

You share a birthday with William Burroughs, Laura Linney, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Bobby Brown.

Wow... another amazing birth. Although, this one stands far apart from my last for several reasons. Firstly, Jeremy and I decided to have you at home, so you are a home birth tale (right in our dining room... yummy)!
Secondly, I had several "false calls" in this pregnancy. I thought I was going into labor in early January and again mid-January... with Adrayn everything was more cookie cutter... with him labor was five minutes apart and that was that. This was much more sporadic.

During the night of 2/5 I awoke with some harmless cramps, but nothing horribly painful. That morning these "harmless" cramps/contractions started gaining speed and intensity so we decided to call our home birth midwife team (Trillium Midwifery). One of our midwives offered to stop by on her way to a couple appointments to check things out. Upon her arrival at 11am we found that I was dilated to 3cm, and my cervix was like butter, which I guess is a great thing! She offered to stay, but I told her that this could be awhile and we'd call her. Later that day, Jeremy called the midwives and they arrived to a bit more action at 3pm. At this point I was still in disbelief that you were actually on your way... two false calls will change a person, but I would state that actual "active labor" started around 3-3:30pm.
After the Trillium Midwife team arrived, contractions progressed VERY quickly, and by 4:15pm I was in the home birth tub that was in our dining room... at 5:40 my contractions turned to pushes... at 5:43 your little head was out and filled with the thickest black hair... then I stopped. I was never too great at the "transition" period and started to freak out internally... I tried not to show it, but I was losing it... I felt that I couldn't go any further. Then one of the midwives came up to the tub and in a quiet, calm voice said "breathe... you were made to do this"... that is all I needed. After a short pause I was back, and more importantly I was centered and ready to meet you. This is it... my last baby, my last "first vision" of the beauty that Jeremy and I create.
Here it goes.... 5:47pm, Sloane Dray Frandrup is born.

My beloved Jeremy was the "catcher" and boy did he do any amazing job! He was there when the contractions were few but I had gotten no sleep. He rubbed my heels for hours so that I could sleep before things kicked in. He rubbed my back when the contractions were so intense that I felt so alone until his large warm hands put pressure on my lower back. He had that pressure spot-on as well... it was magical how it took some of the pain away. Then, you... he saw you first. He touched you first... his daughter, his joy... his last baby. Once your head appeared Papa stated that it is the oddest sensation to just watch and wait... looking down at your progeny underwater staring back at you... your first reaction is to SAVE YOUR CHILD FROM DROWNING!! Well, no need... she was safely breathing through the umbilical cord still. So he patiently waited for her full body to slide through the birth canal with his guidance, then proceeded to pass her under the water towards my loving, yet exhausted embrace.

Wow... this was too smooth... were my thoughts... Wow... she is amazing, she is so beautiful... she isn't breathing?!
After a short period of confusion to Sloane's quiet state we decided to blow her a breath... she was more than fine I realize now. She just likes to hold her breath rather than cry we are seeing (something Jeremy also did as a newborn, and infant... odd?!). What a little heart stopper!

Since this is a home birth story I notice it is much more calm than my story with Adrayn at the hospital. No rushing us in any way... no constant interruptions... no "doing without explanation"... Everything was constant and calm this day.

After about 5 minutes of bonding in the birth tub we decided to head over to the couch (which was fully prepared with sheets and pads) to deliver the placenta. This process was also easier than with Adrayn. The whole time I am holding you, Sloane. Your eyes are open and you were quietly aware.
After the placenta delivery the midwives noticed that I was bleeding a tad too heavily for their liking (I lost two times the average blood loss with Adrayn, so we were all prepared for a hemorrhage). One midwife then decided to give me a shot of pitocin in order to contract the uterus quickly.
All in all I ended up losing the same amount of blood 750-800ml, BUT I did not feel the same exhaustion and pain that I did with Adrayn. I have also had a faster recovery... except for these darn cramps... those are worse round two, but I hear that is common.

After your placenta was delivered Jeremy and I were given a very informational "Placenta tour" and options of what to do with the placenta. I chose to have it encapsulated as it is supposed to assist with recovery and emotions.
You are such a great baby! So quiet and curious... you immediately latched on and we had no issues with feeding, so after a good meal we decided to tuck us into bed. This took approx one hour with the addition of a physical for baby & Mama, and then the midwives were out the door by 8pm!

What a perfect birth.. 3pm-5:47pm, then clean-up and physicals until 8pm... then we get to sleep in our OWN bed without being pestered all night?! We are SOLD on home birth for life!!!

The midwives came back immediately the next morning, and again day 3 and 7 to check on us... it was and literally is the best birth and post-birth story I could envision. I am so grateful to have had this as an option. Financially we would have paid the same for a hospital birth. I am so glad that I overlooked my initial fears with the hemorrhage and did a home birth... now I have had this amazing experience and Sloane has had the most calm birth.


I am smitten... we all are. Adrayn met you when you were 3 days old and he has already been such a great big brother stating "Mama. I want pick it up". You will soon meet your brother Parker and sister Presley, and Presley won the guess on your due date, so she gets to choose the take out for the night... Chinese it is! Ironically, we received a Chinese Food flyer in the mail the day you were born... meant to be, and what a sisterly bond already! :)

Well... I am sleepy. As quiet and calm as you are (unlike Adrayn's newborn colic self) I still find myself in need of sleep at night.
I love you my little girl. My love only grows daily every time I look into your eyes. You look just like your Papa. I am so blessed to have the amazing family that I do.
Life is good.

Mucho Love!

Post-due, Postpartum & PostAL

Well... here we are... still.

So many opinions, emotions, aches...

I know Sloane is on her way... well I guess I don't know, but can only hope. My mom has come and gone, and my mother in law is eagerly sitting on the sidelines ready to assist when needed.
I have been on maternity leave for almost 2 weeks now, and am looking at extending it as I haven't delivered a baby yet?!
I don't want to be giving a massage and... "Excuse me, I will right with you... I must change my diaper and cry"... I can only assume my clients would prefer I stay home and mend myself over this scenario.

In the meantime... I sit here. Everyone with baited breath... I feel like a walking bomb... I know everyone is waiting on Sloane, but ultimately must feel that on some level I have some control over the situation. I hear it all, and I have done it all... spicy food, walks, squats, sex, castor oil, eaten dates, sex, laugh, Clary sage, acupressure, massage, dance, and sex.... yes, MANY opinions, and YES... I have done them ALL (just because I didn't list it above doesn't mean I didn't try it)!

I hope HCMC was at least a week off with their guesstimate... my original due-date was 2/8/13, and then HCMC took an ultrasound and said "Heck no girl, you are 3 weeks further than you think!"... well, either that's true or the fetuses that Jeremy and I create are big growers. Adrayn was assumed to be 1 week further, but was born on the "original due date", and at 7.5lbs... not big by any means.

I want to meet you Sloane. I want to be your mama, and selfishly I don't want to be this uncomfortable anymore. My pelvic bone is broken, and where it used to be is a fatty mass of who knows what. I can still smile and say that I am somehow avoiding stretch marks... for the time being, anyways. Please let me have that one shred of happiness!

I am also realizing that as a society we do not embrace 40+ weeks of pregnancy... those that choose to remain pregnant, waiting for nature to take it's course, rather than induce. I know I have many vents above, and that this has been my "choice" to remain pregnant at this point... but I just want Sloane to come when she is ready ultimately... I want that to be NOW, but in the end, I want her to be fully-cooked and healthy. It isn't easy... this place of in-between.

“You know that place between sleep and awake, the place where you can still remember dreaming? That’s where I’ll always love you, Peter Pan. That’s where I’ll be waiting.” -Tinkerbell

I love you all, and hope to be back to my sun-shiny-self in no time. I just need to have this baby and see her beautiful smile... and hold her (hopefully not 10lb) little, fragile body.
My little girl... my little Sloane.

Mucho Love!

Under Pressure

Wow, what a roller coaster this month has been... false labor New Years Day due to a stomach bug, then real labor starts yesterday and progresses steadily only to diminish after 4 hours.
I guess everything was just so timely with Adrayn's birth that I assumed this would go as smoothly. I thought that I'd "just know" like I did with him.
Today is Sloane's "due date" and here I sit in my living room, typing this blog... all of the kids are off to their mom's or Grandma's, a birthing tub is half filled in the dining room due to my latest false alarm, many family members calling/emailng curious to any updates that may be happening,  a moody husband trying to "make it happen" by any means he can control, my mom flying in today... and my anxieties are overloaded.  I am a people pleaser... I want to make everyone happy... Jeremy, Kids, Family, Midwives, and it has all taken over. This anxiety could very well be the culpret that is holding my body back from giving birth. So tense... so frustrated.
What am I not letting go of? Why won't Sloane just come? It would be one thing if she just didn't give me signs, but starting labor and having 3 midwives spend the night also in full belief that you are having a baby is just torture.
Maybe I was given this hand so that I would understand why some women choose to be induced? I am planning to stay the natural path, but I totally can see now what I did not with Adrayn. It is frustrating!
I know some of you may say "What's the big deal, your due date is today, be patient", well... as true as that is... it is a tad different when you throw in two false labors. It does change your mindset. It's like winning the lottery and then going to collect and realizing it was all a joke. However, in this case the lottery will come. If not, I will be known as the one woman on the planet that remains pregnant without ever birthing... and let's not put our minds there because that is just way too entirely depressing for me to imagine at this moment.
Sloane, Sloane, Sloane.... I know you will come when you are ready. Maybe this is your personality shining  through inutero letting me know that you will challenge me in life... or maybe it is a sign that I need to relax more in life and just let things happen as they will.
I know it's cozy in there, but it sounds like we both could work on letting go. ;)
Love you sweetheart, and I cannot wait to meet you!
-Mama

Sappy Seconds!

Dearest Daughter to-be,

The guilt is getting to me. I should know better... I myself am a second child.
Well honey... your Mama is sorry. I am so sorry that I haven't taken as many belly pictures, or that I haven't written as many blogs as I did with your brother's pregnancy.
Maybe this is where I get my self determination from, and where you will as well. Seeing only 5 belly pictures of your pregnancy when Adrayn has 50. You may be determined to prove something subconsciously like I do... or maybe it's just in our nature to challenge ourselves.

I must say in my defense that I am working (on my feet at that), in school full-time, and tending to 3 kids!!!  When I was pregnant with Adrayn I was working temp jobs and tending to your half brother and sister when they were with us. Which means that I did get breaks and nightly relaxing baths as well. :)

Thank goodness for your father!!!! If I had to do it all alone I would surely be in the nut house! He has taken on the challenge of feeding us all nutritious meals as he is so beautifully understanding of my lack of time to do so, and he lovingly gives your mama foot and back massages as requested. He may be tough at times, but in the end he is a softy with a huge heart... always wanting the best for his family.

You keep me motivated kiddo. Your little kicks push me to write that paper when I have NO energy left from giving 4 massages earlier that day... your hiccups remind me that you are a sweet little human baby girl that will soon light up my life with indescribable joy.  I must admit that I am a tad nervous to meet you... not in a bad way, but in a "My last baby" way. I know that I will not do this again... I know that I am done physically... but knowing that makes your birth all that more unique and special.

I will hold you so dear to my heart my little baby girl. You will be my last newborn diaper, my last breast feeding, my last swaddle. I may not be on top of your belly pictures and blogs, but I will sure as hell be on top my last baby's firsts. I will cherish you sweetheart... so don't you ever feel unloved, as there is an endless amount of love in your Mama's heart to go around.

Mucho Love, Sloane!