Sweet Child O' Mine

As I write this I am holding in a hurt that swells my heart so much that I breathe in hot pain with every inhale. A pain that only a mother with a recent glimpse of possibly losing a child can fathom. 

I am reminded again of how precious these moments with our children are. Our children are never promised, and those that lose sight or believe for a moment otherwise are fortunate enough to not know what my husband and I do.

It's a lonely place. A place that will ignite you in flames while everyone close to you cluelessly watches from the sidelines. 

This pain does fade, and it also comes when times are blissful, as the appreciation is overpowering and the beauty overtakes you. There is no light without the darkness.

I want to thank my loving support...

Thank you my beautiful daughter, Sloane. You were born into a family, where at many moments you came second. I remember putting you down in the yard when you were just months old and your brother had a near drown in our little pool from his first seizure. You have never been angry with him. You have always put forth an unwavering love and support for your brother. You are an angel in disguise. I love your young but wise heart for your continual selflessness. Thank you.

Thank you Adrayn for showing me what is truly important in this life. Even after you had your most recent seizure, you started to come out of it and looked up at your Papa as he held you in his strong and protective arms, and you said "You are the best Dad". I melt.... You are so kind and grateful for everything... everything! All the time... even in the darkest times. Thank you.

Lastly, this whole experience has taught me that I have found my true love. I'm not talking some fantasy camp roses and chocolates love, I'm saying I can ugly cry in a closet to try to hide my pain from the kids and you will know right where to find me... and when you do you say nothing but hold me. I can be vulnerable, I can be afraid, I can scream, I can love, I can cry at the most beautiful moments and you will always know where I am and what I need. Thank you Jeremy.

Thank you for reading my very transparent post. It's healing for me to write. 
Mucho Love.

Adrayn picked this song out last week. Like many moments, the words caught me off guard, and I teared up.
Song: Sweet Chlid O' Mine
Band: Guns and Roses

Trigger Warning

Trigger Warning: Bullying/Rape

I remember middle school... my family wasn’t wealthy, but I wanted so badly to fit in so I begged my mom to buy me the fake girbaud t-shirt at the local strip mall I spotted for $9.99. Back then, my nickname was “kibbles and bits” with some of the school boys. I remember riding the bus home and a neighborhood boy got up and sat next to me. He got so close... I could feel his hot breath as he whispered in my ear, telling me that I was so ugly that it looked like my neck threw up... and that I was a piece of garbage that no boy would ever love. I remember sitting there to this day, holding back my tears and feeling so ashamed that I was in such an ugly body with such a horrific face. I remember feeling so alone and telling no one. I was 12. 

Then years later I grew taller and had my braces removed, ditched the glasses for some contacts, took a couple modeling pictures and got a boost of confidence. 

But still... it wasn’t enough... in high school I brought other attention. Girls hated me. 

I remember being punched in the face while sitting in my parked car in a Taco Bell parking lot... all because some girl made very incorrect assumption. I remember being tormented daily in the halls because I turned a boy in for reaching under my skirt to touch me... I had to tell the police this IN FRONT of the boy that did this to me... he later told his girlfriend and she wasn’t about to be embarrassed by my actions, so she took it upon herself to taunt me between class in the halls on a daily basis threatening to “beat my ass” for the remainder of the school year. Most everyone turned the other way as this happened... but I do remember my big brother trying to calm the situation the best he could. I was 14-18.

I survived high school a virgin, but began to drink the pain and trauma away which only led to darker times... rape by a high school boy, and later an employer. These were my first two sexual encounters. I went to the free clinic after each incident to get tested and take the day after pill. I remember them saying that the pill would make me want to throw up, but if I did that I would have to start all over. So twice, I called in sick to work and laid in bed with haunting memories of the night before holding back my vomit and my pain. I never did report either of these instances as I was in disbelief, as well as traumatized from my earlier incident with the boy at school and his girlfriend. Did I really want to go through more pain? No thanks. I was 19.

Disconnected from friends and family that didn’t know how to handle it all... I felt utterly alone, but needed to function in the world. Don't get me wrong... that time in my life does have much goodness as well... but it was honestly mostly buried in alcohol, which helped me to escape. 

We all have our own trauma, I understand that I am not alone in this sad fact. It is only decades later that I feel free enough to let these stories out. I am just now coming to grips with all that I have been through... owning.. releasing.. and loving that little inner girl a little more. I am 41.

I don’t share any of this to hurt or scare anyone... I share this in hopes that maybe it’ll help another little girl with long gangling legs and a shyness that brings predators, or a young boy that loves to play with make-up and has a sweet innocence. 

I share this in hopes that you will see the signs and speak regularly to your kids. 

I share this in hopes that if you see something you DO something. 

I share this so that you are aware that not saying anything or not supporting someone speaks volumes and lasts decades. 

I share this in hopes that I by releasing this trauma into the world that it will help heal the little girl that stayed quiet far too long.

I share this because I have children that are now becoming the ages when I was exposed to all of this, and I hope they never have to experience what I did. 

The world has plenty of darkness all on its own... so, let's choose to be light.

Our stories

I had the following entry as a draft since 6/2/2015. It felt appropriate to share at this time.

Today I heard a comment... a sentence was said that dug deep... it dug so deep that it shook me to my core, and rattled the skeletons that lie deep in my cellar. Skeletons that are now exposed... painful memories that I have shoved back to the far reaches of my dusty memory rattled.

Adolescence.. a time to learn, grow, be obnoxious, and do "stupid" things.
Well, sometimes a bad decision can lead to horrific and unwarranted outcomes. This is one of the first traumatic experiences that I have encountered in my life... and it was not only that experience, but the reactions that followed that have shaped me into, well, the "me" I am today.

When I was 19 years old I was raped... actually twice within a 6 month time-frame.
Both incidents were completely different as they were different facets of my life (friends/work), but both had one major commonality.
Alcohol.
Why do we drink? Relaxation... acceptance... escape... or just to let go if for only a brief moment.
Oh my goodness, it wasn't easy being a teen... growing into the mold that lies ahead, or rebelling against it all. I wouldn't relive that phase of my life if given the opportunity.

I don't speak much of these past incidents these days. It is a piece of me that I keep to myself, and tried to bury deep as it was always interpreted as a shameful moment.

No more.
As I get older I see that strength is not loud voices, and strong hands, but more exposed weakness, and vulnerability.
It takes so much more strength to share how afraid we truly are... deep down... and to me exposing that is true strength.

We all stories, rape, divorce, illness, death... all of these join us together. They bond us into a club that no one wants admission to.

Throughout our life we strive to be accepted, and loved. To gain community, family, and togetherness.
I write this in hopes to create this feeling, and make a harsh topic one that can be discussed.
I want my daughters to know this topic before it could become a reality. I want them to hear my story in hopes that it will prevent them from going through the same.

Until it happens to you.

It's hard not to notice all of the pain on my news-feed.

Let's all just stay safe.. let's just keep moving and it won't affect us... right?

WRONG.

I was asleep to it all, well most of it, I admit. 

Then one sunny day I'm pulling my son's blue body out of a pool.

He must have had a seizure to end up in there so quickly and without a fight. 

My life changed. The next year was riddled with Doctor appointments, and depression.

IT HAPPENS.

Loved ones die, children get horrible diseases, people kill, and people stand by and do nothing.

Which one are you? You have a choice. You ALWAYS have a choice. 

Me... I will choose love. I will help my fellow man. 

This is the world I WANT for myself and my children.

So, this is what I will promote.

THIS moment.

I started this blog to document my pregnancy with Adrayn. It has grown to be so much more. I am not timely in my writings... as I truly only write when I feel the need to. From time to time I will reflect back on older posts, as it can be a beautiful reminder of how much I've grown.

25 Weeks Pregnant with Adrayn

This blog was named "electrobabymama" as a joke. I was documenting my pregnancy via the internet... and the name was born from that. Looking back, it seems oddly fitting as I am the mother to a child whom has Epilepsy: aka wild electric storms in his brain. What a wild journey this blog has been. The most beautiful, and difficult times of my life. I hope this blog marks another story of beauty.

I was going to wait to write this, but I cannot live in fear, and the moment has struck me now. Now, I live for the moment.

Friday. 
THIS Friday, Adrayn will be ONE YEAR seizure-free.
I honestly never knew this was a possibility when I was in the thick of it.
I was almost resigned with this new way of anxiety-ridden life. A life of helplessness.

I am still coming to grips with the precious moments lost to seizures, and depression. Moments lost with an infant girl due to many overnights in the hospital. Moments lost to a son that was in a deep haze, post-seizure. There were many losses that year. Day by day, and moment by moment we made it through that hellish phase.

I cannot dwell too much in that year, or I it can be emotionally consuming. I will acknowledge how I have grown from it, and how I will begin each day with a grateful heart.

I have been more than fortunate with blessings this year. I know many respond with "You deserve these wonderful things"... and to that I say "Yes I do, but YOU do too!". This is something I am still in the beginning phase of learning, and will always hope to improve upon. I am stronger now, and the tools I have gained in my journey will only help me to persist, and succeed.

Let's look forward to a year of bliss and beauty. 

Mucho Love,

Mama Dray

Good Vibrations

Did I just massage Woody Harrelson?

How did I keep my cool? Why were my hands so steady?

Well... the more life I live, the more I feel that all is aligning in the way and "order" that it must for us to understand and grasp the lesson.

Last year at this time I was living in the moment... each minute holding my breath in hopes that my son would make it to the next minute without having a seizure. It was a hellish year that forced me (and my husband) to understand defeat more than ever. To know what it is to stand on the sidelines and have no control. 

Well, this August Adrayn will hit his ONE YEAR mark of being seizure free!

It all started when my husband's agent submitted him for a movie with Woody Harrelson. This sparked a thought in my head.. "I am going to meet Woody Harrelson". Then when that opportunity passed, my father received a call from his union buddy about a driving gig for the a film being shot here in the cities. Which again had me thinking... Yep, here it is again... "Hello Woody!". From there I think fate had some play... it was fate that my dad stood overlooking the city of Saint Paul  while  setting up a set and his buddy called him over to  chat with Woody... they had a nice human to human chat about Bob Dillon... and fate that said movie stars' Massage Therapist (or as Woody calls me Masseuse) cancelled on him, and that I went to school in my 30's to change my whole career path to become a Massage Therapist.... ahh... all aligning...

I will acknowledge it all. I openly and graciously accept this amazing gift that my dad, and the universe sent me.

It is here to show me something.

Am I THAT amazing of a massage therapist? Am I super personable and awesome to be around? 

Well... I'd like to think so, but maybe it's more...

Maybe this is all happening to show you how accessible it all truly is. 

Tap in. 

Listen.

Align. 

Allow.

You deserve it. 

On a side note... thanks Dad. I'm so happy to hear the joy in your voice when you see how amazing this experience has been and that you made it happen. It is beautiful to know that you are finally being treated with so much thoughtfulness and love for all of your hard work and dedication.

You are the best Dad a gal could ask for. I am forever grateful. 

Mucho Love!

Next Stop, Normal and Perfect.

Yesterday marked one year of Adrayn's journey with the MN Epilepsy Group.

Jeremy and I have had our issues with this group in regards to not allowing Adrayn on the Ketogenic Diet initially because they thought it was too much work for us. Then after repeated harassment on my end, the Doctor submitted and allowed this to happen (months later). Then, our lives changed.

As part of the typical medical world, this clinic requests annual testing to make sure that Adrayn is staying on track with his learning, and that the seizures did not cause damage to him cognitively.

Well... his check-up was interesting... three hours of  testing for my little man, and endless questionnaires for Jeremy and I.
We literally filled out 3 pamphlets with 60+ questions that were all the same, but said differently. Why? Does the Doctor think he'll catch me in a lie? Then... we hit one question that still burns me.

"Is your child perfect in every way?"

Wow.. really? I like that Jeremy wrote "What does this even mean??" next to the question (one of the many reasons I love that man).

Anyhoo... Adrayn was just getting over a head cold, so I'm sure being forced for 3 hours to answer questions like: "Which picture has a boy", "Jump on one foot",etc. he was ready to hit the road.

As Adrayn was in one room, Jeremy and I were taken to another room where a Child Psychologist was updating us how he was doing on his tests.

"We want to make sure your son is normal, and that he can do the menial tasks that are needed in life. At this time he does not hold the attention span like a normal child would his age to do these "boring" jobs that we put in front of him."

Normal? Is it normal to do a task that has no purpose, just to please someone?

Jeremy's response:
"Our son is home schooled, and he will not be testing the same as the other children because he is taught differently... he leads us. This month he wants to learn about letters and numbers, so we are opening him to that world. We are not forcing him, he is asking."

That is the beauty of learning. Want... curiosity... it keeps us young. I am re-learning many things in my life through and with my children... and I love it!

Adrayn is far from any kid I have ever met, so I guess he's not "normal". He is truly unique in every way possible. He will never fit a mold, or be "perfect in every way". I love that about him... and I love that about everyone!

Mucho Love!