Trigger Warning

Trigger Warning: Bullying/Rape

I remember middle school... my family wasn’t wealthy, but I wanted so badly to fit in so I begged my mom to buy me the fake girbaud t-shirt at the local strip mall I spotted for $9.99. Back then, my nickname was “kibbles and bits” with some of the school boys. I remember riding the bus home and a neighborhood boy got up and sat next to me. He got so close... I could feel his hot breath as he whispered in my ear, telling me that I was so ugly that it looked like my neck threw up... and that I was a piece of garbage that no boy would ever love. I remember sitting there to this day, holding back my tears and feeling so ashamed that I was in such an ugly body with such a horrific face. I remember feeling so alone and telling no one. I was 12. 

Then years later I grew taller and had my braces removed, ditched the glasses for some contacts, took a couple modeling pictures and got a boost of confidence. 

But still... it wasn’t enough... in high school I brought other attention. Girls hated me. 

I remember being punched in the face while sitting in my parked car in a Taco Bell parking lot... all because some girl made very incorrect assumption. I remember being tormented daily in the halls because I turned a boy in for reaching under my skirt to touch me... I had to tell the police this IN FRONT of the boy that did this to me... he later told his girlfriend and she wasn’t about to be embarrassed by my actions, so she took it upon herself to taunt me between class in the halls on a daily basis threatening to “beat my ass” for the remainder of the school year. Most everyone turned the other way as this happened... but I do remember my big brother trying to calm the situation the best he could. I was 14-18.

I survived high school a virgin, but began to drink the pain and trauma away which only led to darker times... rape by a high school boy, and later an employer. These were my first two sexual encounters. I went to the free clinic after each incident to get tested and take the day after pill. I remember them saying that the pill would make me want to throw up, but if I did that I would have to start all over. So twice, I called in sick to work and laid in bed with haunting memories of the night before holding back my vomit and my pain. I never did report either of these instances as I was in disbelief, as well as traumatized from my earlier incident with the boy at school and his girlfriend. Did I really want to go through more pain? No thanks. I was 19.

Disconnected from friends and family that didn’t know how to handle it all... I felt utterly alone, but needed to function in the world. Don't get me wrong... that time in my life does have much goodness as well... but it was honestly mostly buried in alcohol, which helped me to escape. 

We all have our own trauma, I understand that I am not alone in this sad fact. It is only decades later that I feel free enough to let these stories out. I am just now coming to grips with all that I have been through... owning.. releasing.. and loving that little inner girl a little more. I am 41.

I don’t share any of this to hurt or scare anyone... I share this in hopes that maybe it’ll help another little girl with long gangling legs and a shyness that brings predators, or a young boy that loves to play with make-up and has a sweet innocence. 

I share this in hopes that you will see the signs and speak regularly to your kids. 

I share this in hopes that if you see something you DO something. 

I share this so that you are aware that not saying anything or not supporting someone speaks volumes and lasts decades. 

I share this in hopes that I by releasing this trauma into the world that it will help heal the little girl that stayed quiet far too long.

I share this because I have children that are now becoming the ages when I was exposed to all of this, and I hope they never have to experience what I did. 

The world has plenty of darkness all on its own... so, let's choose to be light.