Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Life IS too short for that...

Releasing toxic relationships isn't permanent. 
It is a choice for the here and now. 




My husband and I have received a sharp  reality-check when it comes to outside support, both emotional, and physical. After a year riddled with many trials and tribulations, sadly, some of the closest relationships in our lives don't really "get it". It has been an unreal wake up.




I think that I have always tried to "Make the peace" in many relationships in my life... I would suck it up and grin (with the occasional meltdown)... as I'm sure most of you did, and still do in your personal lives. 

Why? 

I had to ask myself that again, recently. 

Why? 

I am in pain when I allow certain relationships to continue with a blind eye. They serve me no good, as I am not being my genuine self. 
I go back and forth... Are my expectations too high? Maybe. Why? Because that is what I would do. 

It's all a vicious circle that always ends in sadness.



I will read positive quotes and affirmations, and they typically have a message like "Life is too short to stay angry". Well, I have always strived to appreciate these words... but I think I had interpreted them wrong all along.

I have always been a huge people pleaser... and still am to some degree. My old mindset would have read this message as "Stay in toxic relationships because doing the opposite would be negative". Wow... YEP... people pleaser!

Now I see these quotes in a whole new light thanks to this past year, and namely Adrayn. 

This quote now reads... Which relationships are you currently in that grow you? Which do not? Which relationships harbor too much negativity? 
STOP and reflect. 
Breathe. 
Then, don't be afraid to let them go. 

Yeah, it's a bit more wordy than the old mindset, but it's all about wellness, contemplation, and being authentic.




Once you let a toxic relationship go, it will be gone forever... well, in the form that had no growth for you. That is not a bad thing, but a beautiful thing. 
If this was an important relationship, hopefully it does return... healthier, more inspiring, and contented.
Sadly, though, we must realize that sometimes these relationships do not come back... and that is the "fear factor" that keeps many of us from letting them go to begin with. 
Life is always in flux, and we must always be riding the waves. 
Someone that was your best friend for 17 years may not be more than a phone call once in a blue moon, whereas the gal you met at the park last week could turn out to be your new partner in crime. 

This is how it is now. 
It will change. 
It always does. 

The time to be authentic is now... because.... honestly, THAT is what this life is too short for. 

Mucho LOVE!


Monday, July 14, 2014

AdraynLOVE

I am a lady with superstitions. I fear that by saying things are going well, that I may somehow have a super-power that throws it all off... So I will just say that things are better than they were pre-diet.

Pre-Diet:  Typically Adrayn would have 1-2 Grand Mal Seizures every 4-5 days, and 0-100 "Drop" Seizures daily... 3 out of 4 weeks.
Post-Diet: His last Grand Mal episode was scary... he had 4 in a 24-hour period, that being said... it was on 6/21 (3 WEEKS ago!!!), and his drop seizures followed for less than a week. He will still have a day with a few drops, but NOTHING like it was!






It's odd... walking around, feeling more freedom from the beast that is Epilepsy. By no means am I breathing freely, but I am much more relaxed... and boy am I getting more done.
To somehow put into words what it is to find out that your child has Epilepsy... well... I don't know if I can do it justice. I guess I felt trapped... sitting by my child, hip to hip for the last 6 months. I didn't want him to face this alone, so I sacrificed myself. Sleep, nutrition, sanity... you name it. Not too bright, but I guess I'm learning as I go, and let's face it... the pool incident last summer has shaken me to my CORE and I haven't been able to let him go too far since. I am working on it..... and will go further down the rabbit hole once I can step back and take it all in. 

I must admit that Pre-Epilepsy I would have more "I'm tired" days, and "I'll do it tomorrow"... well, no more! EVERY day is a question mark, so when we're on a good streak I GET SHIT DONE! I am super woman... and after everything that I have faced the past 365 days I am seeing that I CAN do more than I had ever imagined!
With the loving support of my husband, I can make time to love my family, measure and concoct special meals 3X a day for my son, nurse and cuddle my little baby girl, shop, clean, have dates with my step kids, AND run a business!!! What? Yes! Can I get an AMEN!?! 

Adrayn has shown me so much about myself this past year... mainly, that I am MUCH more capable that I had ever dreamed.
So, in the last 365 days I have GAINED 500+ gray hairs, and LOST about 30 pounds. Not the best way to lose those extra baby pounds, but I don't get too hard on myself these days. 

Thank you Adrayn... If this never happened to you, I would never have seen this strength and beauty within. I would have never known how much support I have from ALL facets... (Babysitting, video monitors, car repairs, neighbors hugs, and California 'goodness'), we are blessed....soooo blessed. 

We. ALL. are. 

Take this time.. this very moment to realize how amazing you are. I was blind, and then Adrayn showed me... maybe he will show you too.




Mucho Love!

Thursday, May 8, 2014

Serenity

Wow.


What a year.

I am learning so much. It all is in a painful way for me, personally, but nonetheless it is hopefully all for the better. My mom and I went to get our "Chakra's Cleansed" recently... I have done this before, and pretty recently at that... however, this day it was needed more than ever.
I awoke to hearing my son having a seizure downstairs in bed with my husband. I could hear it through the floor... his choking breaths... gasping. It almost stopped me from heading out to the appointment, but it didn't as my husband sternly said "You need this, you need to be well for Adrayn".

He was right... I have been seeking help here and there, and it all does help... but temporarily... then I'm back in this same rut... the "victim" role that I tend to seep into when I'm most lost.
This time, this "cleanse" was different. I walked into it in a sullen and dark mood... I had puffy eyes from crying all morning... all week... I have been so lost.

I will say that I am not "fixed" by any means... I am also not happy about what I am facing in anyway... BUT I do feel a little more comfort in knowing that it has nothing to do with me...
Suzanne, my mom, and I danced around the "what ifs" and circled the "worst case"... all of it lead me back to an answer... simple, and hard to cope with.... I HAVE NO CONTROL.

Yes... I am the MOM and YES I have say in if my son is on medication, vitamins, his diet, or what he come into contact with... but other than that... I really have no say. I have no say in what Adrayn's fate is, or if he will outgrow this... if he will take to the remedies I put forth... that is up to him and the "universe"....

Then I got to thinking... do any of us know what will happen to our children...? Ever? We must love the moment.... always live for the MOMENT, as it is really ALL WE HAVE.
I know it sounds cliche, or maybe a tad wacky... maybe all of this is making me a nut-job?! I don't care... as it does bring comfort... in a small way.

One day at a time I will become stronger... one day at a time I will heal myself. I see how me doing that is helping my son.

During his next seizure I will hold him, and I will imagine that my motherly warmth will help him. I will not run away, I will not assume that I am so powerful that I create them. That is Amy playing the victim...because this is all too heavy to deal with.

Well.... I must deal. I chose this life, and I must face it head on.

Bring it. I am ready.

I am now on the path to serenity.




Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Adrayn Love

Did you know today (3.26.14) is Epilepsy Awareness Day?

Here I am... Trying to holistically work with and hopefully heal my sons epilepsy. I would be more than open to medical marijuana, but it isn't legal here in MN... yet.

I am typically strong in dealing with this, but today something new happened. 
Adrayn had his first seizure while I was driving him and his sister to the grocery store. I was on the freeway when I saw (more so, heard) him start to go into one, and with no exits in sight, I was forced to watch in my rear view. Finally, I couldn't wait any longer as it is crucial for someone in a seizure to be on their side. I then pulled onto a median, ran back to the back seat, and turned him... embraced him... helplessly. My mind was racing... the freeway traffic zipped by... I was all alone... helpless.
Then again... for the first time, he had another seizure in the same day (9:45pm). I am so tired... So sad. I cannot see him like this anymore.



Honestly, My husband or I really don't want him to do the prescribed drugs.... they aren't guaranteed, and if you change your mind (like seizures don't stop, or get worse), you cannot easily take patients off, then they add MORE medications... and ALL of these prescriptions have major side effects... Some worse than others, but all no doubt hard on a little one's growing body. Not a great option. He is our baby, we want the best. Like any parent would. I am getting desperate at this point. 

I was truly hoping that Governor Mark Dayton would approve the bill (HF-1818) by now... It's a hot topic that is severely needed in MN, for not only my son, but many other kids and cancer patients. 

I am getting angry that this choice is up to a man (whom I hopefully don't regret voting for) that doesn't have to see his own child go through this... You are lucky Mr. Dayton... But don't  turn a blind eye on your people.

Please show your support of this bill (HF-1818) by passing this blog along to your friends. 
We can make this happen... It must happen... for Adrayn.... my son. 
I will always fight. Please join me.

Please send Gov. Mark Dayton an email regarding medical marijuana directly, here's the link.


Mucho Love,

Mama Dray

Friday, January 17, 2014

In the name of love.

The day to pass is here and gone... I sat through 4 weeks with a heavy heart... and I still wait, but I know that this day (now three days ago), at 2pm my son did NOT have a seizure... this means they are not getting closer... (which many told me would happen). So... GOOD news... I hope! If he has one tomorrow, or next week, month... I will know that he went longer than he previously did... and hopefully that will give me some comfort.

I need to remind myself that it is hard to be in that moment... utterly helpless while your child is having a seizure... I would easily take his pain, and his ailments... if I was given the option... but I am not. I must watch him have a seizure... helplessly on the sidelines... wishing that it would be over... now... now... NOW! His little body twitches as his eyes roll back... his little fingers are stiff and flexed... his little lips turn purple and the breaths seem to struggle to make way into his tiny lungs...  I must watch, and wait... hoping the whole while that every choice my husband and I make is the one that will be the best one for our son... the one that will lead him to be his optimal self.

After that emotional roller-coaster is complete come the hugs & overbearing love. After a few days to a week of that comes the strict diet (which he IS on), is updated, tweaked... revised. Lastly, some form of acceptance and hope that this will pass takes over... Well, I am to the last phase, and will continue to be there for many weeks, and months, years and (hopefully) FOREVER.


In the meantime, my husband and I did our research and went with our gut... we're trying the all natural approach... What are we doing in this all-natural seizure treatment you ask?

While Adrayn previously ate quite healthy, we are now on a strict gluten-free, dairy-free diet (very Paleo-like). With foods including: bone broth, grass-fed/organic meats, many RAW veggies and limited fruit with a teeny, weeny exception here and there for some processed items like, liverwurst (his favorite) and grass-fed hot dogs. I am getting much better at finding his "likes".... such as: gluten-free crab cakes, cucumber boats with tuna salad, carrots with cashew butter... it's taking time, but there are some *gems* in there.
He is also taking Epsom baths 2-3x a week, a drinkable magnesium supplement and a children's vitamin every morning, that seems to be pretty potent as it has turned his urine BRIGHT yellow! Beyond that he has met with a Homeopathic doctor (Cilla), and she has him taking some homeopathic remedies daily, we are also seeing our child-friendly, chiropractor, Dr. Joessa on a weekly basis, and to button this all up his Massage Therapist mama is doing her best to keep him in balance and relaxed using a calming lavender balm for nightly massages!

We are also "sitting" on a few different options that many wonderful friends and groups have shared... we just didn't want to overwhelm him with too much. First we'll see how this regimen works.




Adrayn has two Neurological visits coming up on 2/21/14 (HCMC), and the day before his 4th Birthday 3/13/14 (Children's Hospital). I am really hoping to report NO news to either of them, and show them that this is all based on his diet... hopefully it will be a testament for ALL Doctors to look into food nutrition as an initial therapy - rather than phoning in a prescription (which only invokes fear to clueless parents). In our experiences Doctor's don't consider diet and/or supplements prior to giving them prescription drugs (which are reported to damage their little livers and kidneys). It's just a sad reality. Don't get me wrong... I am not saying that I wouldn't give my son these medications IF he needed them, I am just saying that ALL options should be looked at, and the Medical institution is good at... Well, medicine. Adrayn is VERY fortunate to have some amazing parents that are willing to do the work!

I have learned SOOOOO much from groups, peers, friends... THANK YOU ALL! It is an ever-lasting knowledge that I may use someday to help other parents that are thrust into this fearful situation. 

Just breathe and know that you have options. 




Thank you all for your support, it has helped me to be stronger for my little guy... truly.
I will try to keep up with documenting Adrayn's condition, and hopefully only positive news to come.

Lastly, we really must LEGALIZE MEDICAL CANNABIS!

MUCHO LOVE!

Monday, December 30, 2013

Sloane Bologna

Sloane,

Wow... I cannot believe that you are heading towards 11 months old!
With so much going on one can easily become lost and overwhelmed... but, you bring be back from the insanity... always.
You have begun to go from a "few" steps, to full blown walking in days... Your little baby jeans move so adorably with each step.


You always amaze me.
I am one truly blessed mama to have you in my life.

I remember when I had my tarot cards read for my 35th Birthday, the reader stated that you would be an amazing person.. actually the word she used was Buddha. She also stated that your brother Adrayn would be a Healer... and I can see that happening with all of his experiences with Doctors and Hospitals.

Back to you... my beautiful Sloane. So patient with me as I tend to your brother's needs. You have the most genuine and gentle soul I have ever come into contact with. Full of hugs and kisses... following your big brother around so curiously.
You love ANY food that is placed in front of you. You are not picky whatsoever like Adrayn was. One area that you could stand improvement in would be the car... you despise being in the car... anything over 10 minutes and we hear the ear piercing wail that could easily render one deaf.

You love to co-sleep with us, and feel your mama nice and close... you nuzzle your way right in towards my warm breath.

I love you so much. I couldn't have been more blessed to have you in my life.
xo,
Mama

Wednesday, December 18, 2013

My Tiny Tim

Our son, Adrayn, had his second seizure today... well, as far as I know it's his second. This was also the day that my Mother-in-law had purchased tickets for Jeremy, myself and my two amazing step kids to see "A Christmas Carol" at the Guthrie. After plenty of rest and cuddles, Adrayn did get back to his old ways, so we made the call to keep with our plans and see the play that was so generously gifted to us (with a cell phone in my sweaty hand the whole while), and left the wee ones in my Mother-in-law's very capable hands.

I have seen this movie, and smaller production of this play before... however, this time it resonated with me more than ever. My little Tiny Tim... my little Adrayn. I watched Tiny Tim at the dinner table with his family... he was such a positive soul , creating smiles all around. Then, again later as they carried his miniature casket through the town with sullen looks... and lastly, when Scrooge snapped out if his greedy, lonesome trance and they said Tiny Tim would live and grow to do many wonderful things... and I cried... no, I balled... my little Tiny Tim... my Adrayn.

Being a parent isn't an easy task... if I could go back in time and re-do it all, of course I would... but before doing so I would breathe the air deeply... the air, free of heartache... that only being a parent, no... only that loving someone with all that you are, can bring...
Yes, being a parent brings much joy, but the heartache is almost unbearable at times.... times like these.

Please love your little ones... let them know you love them endlessly... say it daily, hourly... I will never breathe air again like I once did, and that is okay, but if you can... please take a big breath for me.

We have an EEG on January 2nd... we hope for some answers. In the meantime we'll be trying the Ketogenic diet (supposed to work well with child seizures), and chiropractic visits. Also, it never hurts to ask... please keep Adrayn in your thoughts and prayers.



Mucho Love.