30 seconds

"Mama close your eyes..... Mama open them......"

I am under a big white sheet with the biggest blue eyes smiling at me.

"Mama close your eyes.....", tears just stream a hot liquid down the side of my face and then I kiss those warm cheeks filled with rosy life cuddled up next to me.

I have my little boy.

I cannot forget one detail. It is forever imprinted in my brain.

Beautiful day. Sunny... blue skies, puffy white clouds.

Adrayn was sitting on the outside of the ladder to the pool as Jeremy went in with Sloane inside the house to get ready for work. I was beginning to mow the back yard with an old push mower as Adrayn was filling up a medicine syringe in the pool and squirting me with every pass of mowing... Giggling the whole while.

When Jeremy came out to head to work my attention moved.... 30 seconds.

Jeremy asked where Adrayn was. I ran to the pool. He was there.... At the bottom..

I turned into a machine right then.

My emotions were gone. I jumped over the side and scooped up his limp body... I noticed he was twitching under the water. I then laid him on the ground and saw that his face was blue... he was not breathing. Jeremy placed Sloane down and ran over in disbelief. I have never seen fear in this man like I did yesterday.

He started rescue breathing and then placed Adrayn on his side.

I picked Sloane up and dialed 911. The ambulance was in our backyard in 2 minutes or less.

Jeremy got Adrayn breathing prior to the ambulance so we started seeing the blue slip away to gray... Then flesh... I then jumped in the ambulance with Adrayn and Jeremy stayed back with Sloane to meet us at HCMC by car.

We were rushed to the ER to get a chest x-ray. Adrayn was talking on the ambulance ride but when we arrived to HCMC he was lethargic so more tests.

After 2 hours we were sent to pediatrics for overnight supervision.

My beautiful little boy is here.

I urge you to all rethink those summer pools as it was so silent, and Adrayn was always confident in the pool prior to this incident (always with supervision, of course). He was dying and I didn't know....I wasn't there when my baby needed me. Thoughts still race through my mind... what was he thinking, what if Jeremy didn't ask? I have to let it go and just be thankful.

I am... I am sooooo thankful that he is alive, and that my reaction was survival mode, and that Jeremy asked where he was and was a pro at rescue breathing. I am so thankful that Adrayn is sitting next to me with a new chance at life and yapping my head off about snowballs and staining my shirt with cherry juice.

It hit me last night when he was wide awake in the hospital at 10pm..."Mama close your eyes... Mama open them".... this would have been a game that we almost never got a chance to play....

Hug your babies extra tight tonight. Be thankful. It only takes 30 seconds.

The final countdown

Yawn... ahhh.... 

Here I am, up waaaay too late... but the kids are at the drive-in with do-it-all-dad (aka Jeremy), and I cannot help but realize how much I have to be thankful for.

It is the final countdown before the Spa opens, and I can begin to breathe again... but as I begin to breathe I am feeling a tad tearful... in the most amazing way.
I am proud... of myself, my friends, my family... this is really happening?! I have managed school, then pregnancy, then working when pregnant, now baby and opening a spa?!

Why am I so lucky? How did this all get to this point?
Last I remember I was left with a choice, and I cannot help but think that it was the best thing that has happened in my professional life yet. I was introduced to an amazing talent... with whom I am partnering with in opening Tula. Not to mention the help that we have gotten... it's like all the previous jobs I have ever held have led me to today... again... tearful.. 

I am in awe. 

Thank you all for helping make my/our dream happen! I cannot put any words into the feeling that I have right this moment... it creates chills, and fills my heart all at once... just no words can begin to describe it.

Thank you MORE than you can ever know Lisa, Corey, Claire & Lissa... this is more than just a project... it is a future for a family as well as a freedom for a friend to do what her passion is... and you helped make that happen!

You are truly the dream-maker team.

Carisa and I must have some amazing karma!

Mucho Love!

Amy

Mother's Day take 2

To all my fellow Step Mama's out there...

I want to share a story as this coming Sunday (Sunday following Mothers Day) is Stepmothers Day.

A few months back I recall pulling taffy with my stepdaughter... The recipe said "pull taffy for 20 minutes", and after 35 minutes with sloppy, sticky taffy still glued to my hands I looked to my stepdaughter and decided to make the best of it. Although I was tired from a full day of giving massages I pulled out my silliest voice and said "It's time to make ze muscles ven ve pull de tah-FE"... and it's then... right then, when her exhausted face turned into magic. Her eyes lit up and she started in with her own silly voice.... and I knew it... I helped make that happen.

That's what being a step parent is... it's what being a parent is...  because in the end we are all teachers, chefs, inspirations, and loves to all of our children. We may not see it now... but we will someday.

Happiest of Days... cherish your role in the little ones eyes, as you are magical.


Mucho Love!

I am grateful.

I am grateful to have a husband that was open to and pushing for a home birth.

I am grateful to my friend Claire for sharing her home birth story with me, as well introducing me to the wonder-women that make up Trillium Midwifery (Emme, Clare, and Renee).

I am grateful that I chose Trillium Midwifery as my home birth provider...
They were patient with me as I went into labor early in the morning one morning... they all came to my home late that night/early morning and slept on my floor curled up in front of the fireplace... only to leave the next morning with no baby delivered.
I am grateful that they were always filled with such loving words of support when I was pushing two weeks overdue (miscalculated by HCMC)... when I was scared and uncomfortable they soothed my aches away with kindness and love.

I am grateful that they were here for my beautiful birth , I could not have envisioned a more beautiful birth, and Trillium helped make this all come to fruition. I am grateful for Clare's soft massages, Emme's soft words, and Renee's soft touch to my baby girl.  I would not change one moment... one second, as it was perfection in every way.

Thanks you Clare, for coming to my home to drop off medication on your own time... Emme, for knitting the most beautiful hat as unique as my little girl, and Renee for being so soft and gentle when pricking my little girls heel... I could see that you cared so much as you applied a warm towel to ease the process. You are all are truly amazing women.

I am so grateful to live where I do, to have access to this opportunity, and would recommend this experience to any woman thinking about having a child.

My little Sloane was born into love... into warm water, calm lighting, soft voices, and warm hearts.

Thank you with the utmost love and gratitude. You ladies will forever be embedded into my heart and my daughters. The tale of her birth will always bring a smile to my face, a tear of joy to my eye, and warmth to my heart.

I only have one regret, and that is that I do not have a picture of all of us. Maybe someday I can swing by and take one. I would love Sloane to know the wonderful team that helped bring her into this world.

Mucho Love to all the beautiful souls at Trillium Midwifery.
May you deliver many more babies in such a way that I was fortunate enough to experience.

-Amy

First Loves

Dear Parker and Presley,

I have been wanting to write you for so long, but it hasn't ever come together like I'm hoping it will today. My mood is right... the kids are busy with Papa... it is time.

I wanted to thank you from a space that had been untouched in my heart until I met you. My glowing beautiful children... step children...
You have awakened a part of me that I didn't know I could handle. You have shown me a side of myself that I always wanted to be. I am more than thankful to have met you in this lifetime as well as to still have you in my life... in Adrayn and Sloane's life as well.

I remember Parker... when you were so small and shy... then once you warmed up to me you were loud and wild just like your untamed red lion's mane. You were so excited about being outdoors and when you were pent up all winter you were not shy to run around the house naked... I even remember a time when you were showing me how you could blast a toy rocket off of your "boy parts"... yep... I'm sure that will be embarrassing someday... like now. :)
Now, you are more reserved, and protective of your feelings. A bit more video games and books. I still see the fire in your eyes when you and your Papa wrestle or you play in the pool on a hot summer day. I love you dearly my beautiful red headed step child. More than you know.

Oh Presley... my sweet, thoughtful girl... you were only a mere 4 years old when I met you... I am probably the only woman you truly remember your father with. You always wanted to copy everything I did... from my beauty mark to my shoes... this helped me to want to be a better person. Always. Your thoughtfulness has never escaped you, even as you grow older... you have become even more thoughtful! I look forward to our cooking/baking concoctions gone awry! At least we know that it typically takes only 3 times to get it right! I will never forget our taffy pulling, or Kids News... you always know how to crack me up. Love you!

I am so loved, and blessed in this life. I am truly surrounded by the most amazing people... and you two top the charts.

Mucho love my sweets. I know I am not your birth mom, but I do know that I love you more than you will ever know, and to me... that's what a parent is all about.

Littlest love

Dearest Sloane,
My little beautiful girl, you are now over 4 weeks old. It is truly mind blowing how fast time seems to fly by.
You have your moments... blissful baby, to fussy belly baby... still trying to adapt to our world, I'm sure. I have already gone back to work and you seem to be managing just fine with your very attentive Papa.
Your older brother, Adrayn, was a bit curious and a tad jealous of you initially... but that seems to have worn off, and he is just plain old curious and loving these days.
He wants to hold you and kiss you on most days, and when you fuss in the car he is sure to be the first to peek under the blanket and shush you back to sleep.

Papa still cannot accept the fact that you look just like him. I think a part of him is a little nervous that you could still change your looks and he is remaining reserved just in case. There is no denying it my love... you are Papa's little girl indeed.

Parker and Presley adore you as well. We all hope that they will be more of a presence in your life than they have been these last few months as life is fleeting, and in the end... what really matters is family. I know you will adore your biggest brother as you seem to have a serious temperament much like his... and you will adore the thoughtfulness and boisterous humor of you big sister... your brother Adrayn sure does!

I know you change on a daily basis, but I just wanted to write this little love letter before time slips away yet again.

I love you my sweet.
I love your coos.
I love how your curious eyes wander.
I love how you stare at your brother while he entertains you with a dance, or a silly voice.
I love your tiny feet and how they wiggle.
I love how you cling to me at night.
I love how soft your hair is.
I love how your Papa glows when he looks at you.
I love how serious you seem to be with your little furrowed brow (just like Papa).
and most of all, I love to feel your warm little body while you nurse when I get home from work.

I know that this list will only grow with time, and I am truly blessed to have such a beautiful family to love and share this life with. I know you will love this family too my sweet.

Sweet Dreams my little heart,
Mama

2.5.13

Sloane Dray Frandrup

2.5.13

5:47pm

7lbs 12oz

21"

You share a birthday with William Burroughs, Laura Linney, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and Bobby Brown.

Wow... another amazing birth. Although, this one stands far apart from my last for several reasons. Firstly, Jeremy and I decided to have you at home, so you are a home birth tale (right in our dining room... yummy)!
Secondly, I had several "false calls" in this pregnancy. I thought I was going into labor in early January and again mid-January... with Adrayn everything was more cookie cutter... with him labor was five minutes apart and that was that. This was much more sporadic.

During the night of 2/5 I awoke with some harmless cramps, but nothing horribly painful. That morning these "harmless" cramps/contractions started gaining speed and intensity so we decided to call our home birth midwife team (Trillium Midwifery). One of our midwives offered to stop by on her way to a couple appointments to check things out. Upon her arrival at 11am we found that I was dilated to 3cm, and my cervix was like butter, which I guess is a great thing! She offered to stay, but I told her that this could be awhile and we'd call her. Later that day, Jeremy called the midwives and they arrived to a bit more action at 3pm. At this point I was still in disbelief that you were actually on your way... two false calls will change a person, but I would state that actual "active labor" started around 3-3:30pm.
After the Trillium Midwife team arrived, contractions progressed VERY quickly, and by 4:15pm I was in the home birth tub that was in our dining room... at 5:40 my contractions turned to pushes... at 5:43 your little head was out and filled with the thickest black hair... then I stopped. I was never too great at the "transition" period and started to freak out internally... I tried not to show it, but I was losing it... I felt that I couldn't go any further. Then one of the midwives came up to the tub and in a quiet, calm voice said "breathe... you were made to do this"... that is all I needed. After a short pause I was back, and more importantly I was centered and ready to meet you. This is it... my last baby, my last "first vision" of the beauty that Jeremy and I create.
Here it goes.... 5:47pm, Sloane Dray Frandrup is born.

My beloved Jeremy was the "catcher" and boy did he do any amazing job! He was there when the contractions were few but I had gotten no sleep. He rubbed my heels for hours so that I could sleep before things kicked in. He rubbed my back when the contractions were so intense that I felt so alone until his large warm hands put pressure on my lower back. He had that pressure spot-on as well... it was magical how it took some of the pain away. Then, you... he saw you first. He touched you first... his daughter, his joy... his last baby. Once your head appeared Papa stated that it is the oddest sensation to just watch and wait... looking down at your progeny underwater staring back at you... your first reaction is to SAVE YOUR CHILD FROM DROWNING!! Well, no need... she was safely breathing through the umbilical cord still. So he patiently waited for her full body to slide through the birth canal with his guidance, then proceeded to pass her under the water towards my loving, yet exhausted embrace.

Wow... this was too smooth... were my thoughts... Wow... she is amazing, she is so beautiful... she isn't breathing?!
After a short period of confusion to Sloane's quiet state we decided to blow her a breath... she was more than fine I realize now. She just likes to hold her breath rather than cry we are seeing (something Jeremy also did as a newborn, and infant... odd?!). What a little heart stopper!

Since this is a home birth story I notice it is much more calm than my story with Adrayn at the hospital. No rushing us in any way... no constant interruptions... no "doing without explanation"... Everything was constant and calm this day.

After about 5 minutes of bonding in the birth tub we decided to head over to the couch (which was fully prepared with sheets and pads) to deliver the placenta. This process was also easier than with Adrayn. The whole time I am holding you, Sloane. Your eyes are open and you were quietly aware.
After the placenta delivery the midwives noticed that I was bleeding a tad too heavily for their liking (I lost two times the average blood loss with Adrayn, so we were all prepared for a hemorrhage). One midwife then decided to give me a shot of pitocin in order to contract the uterus quickly.
All in all I ended up losing the same amount of blood 750-800ml, BUT I did not feel the same exhaustion and pain that I did with Adrayn. I have also had a faster recovery... except for these darn cramps... those are worse round two, but I hear that is common.

After your placenta was delivered Jeremy and I were given a very informational "Placenta tour" and options of what to do with the placenta. I chose to have it encapsulated as it is supposed to assist with recovery and emotions.
You are such a great baby! So quiet and curious... you immediately latched on and we had no issues with feeding, so after a good meal we decided to tuck us into bed. This took approx one hour with the addition of a physical for baby & Mama, and then the midwives were out the door by 8pm!

What a perfect birth.. 3pm-5:47pm, then clean-up and physicals until 8pm... then we get to sleep in our OWN bed without being pestered all night?! We are SOLD on home birth for life!!!

The midwives came back immediately the next morning, and again day 3 and 7 to check on us... it was and literally is the best birth and post-birth story I could envision. I am so grateful to have had this as an option. Financially we would have paid the same for a hospital birth. I am so glad that I overlooked my initial fears with the hemorrhage and did a home birth... now I have had this amazing experience and Sloane has had the most calm birth.


I am smitten... we all are. Adrayn met you when you were 3 days old and he has already been such a great big brother stating "Mama. I want pick it up". You will soon meet your brother Parker and sister Presley, and Presley won the guess on your due date, so she gets to choose the take out for the night... Chinese it is! Ironically, we received a Chinese Food flyer in the mail the day you were born... meant to be, and what a sisterly bond already! :)

Well... I am sleepy. As quiet and calm as you are (unlike Adrayn's newborn colic self) I still find myself in need of sleep at night.
I love you my little girl. My love only grows daily every time I look into your eyes. You look just like your Papa. I am so blessed to have the amazing family that I do.
Life is good.

Mucho Love!