Under Pressure

Wow, what a roller coaster this month has been... false labor New Years Day due to a stomach bug, then real labor starts yesterday and progresses steadily only to diminish after 4 hours.
I guess everything was just so timely with Adrayn's birth that I assumed this would go as smoothly. I thought that I'd "just know" like I did with him.
Today is Sloane's "due date" and here I sit in my living room, typing this blog... all of the kids are off to their mom's or Grandma's, a birthing tub is half filled in the dining room due to my latest false alarm, many family members calling/emailng curious to any updates that may be happening,  a moody husband trying to "make it happen" by any means he can control, my mom flying in today... and my anxieties are overloaded.  I am a people pleaser... I want to make everyone happy... Jeremy, Kids, Family, Midwives, and it has all taken over. This anxiety could very well be the culpret that is holding my body back from giving birth. So tense... so frustrated.
What am I not letting go of? Why won't Sloane just come? It would be one thing if she just didn't give me signs, but starting labor and having 3 midwives spend the night also in full belief that you are having a baby is just torture.
Maybe I was given this hand so that I would understand why some women choose to be induced? I am planning to stay the natural path, but I totally can see now what I did not with Adrayn. It is frustrating!
I know some of you may say "What's the big deal, your due date is today, be patient", well... as true as that is... it is a tad different when you throw in two false labors. It does change your mindset. It's like winning the lottery and then going to collect and realizing it was all a joke. However, in this case the lottery will come. If not, I will be known as the one woman on the planet that remains pregnant without ever birthing... and let's not put our minds there because that is just way too entirely depressing for me to imagine at this moment.
Sloane, Sloane, Sloane.... I know you will come when you are ready. Maybe this is your personality shining  through inutero letting me know that you will challenge me in life... or maybe it is a sign that I need to relax more in life and just let things happen as they will.
I know it's cozy in there, but it sounds like we both could work on letting go. ;)
Love you sweetheart, and I cannot wait to meet you!
-Mama

Sappy Seconds!

Dearest Daughter to-be,

The guilt is getting to me. I should know better... I myself am a second child.
Well honey... your Mama is sorry. I am so sorry that I haven't taken as many belly pictures, or that I haven't written as many blogs as I did with your brother's pregnancy.
Maybe this is where I get my self determination from, and where you will as well. Seeing only 5 belly pictures of your pregnancy when Adrayn has 50. You may be determined to prove something subconsciously like I do... or maybe it's just in our nature to challenge ourselves.

I must say in my defense that I am working (on my feet at that), in school full-time, and tending to 3 kids!!!  When I was pregnant with Adrayn I was working temp jobs and tending to your half brother and sister when they were with us. Which means that I did get breaks and nightly relaxing baths as well. :)

Thank goodness for your father!!!! If I had to do it all alone I would surely be in the nut house! He has taken on the challenge of feeding us all nutritious meals as he is so beautifully understanding of my lack of time to do so, and he lovingly gives your mama foot and back massages as requested. He may be tough at times, but in the end he is a softy with a huge heart... always wanting the best for his family.

You keep me motivated kiddo. Your little kicks push me to write that paper when I have NO energy left from giving 4 massages earlier that day... your hiccups remind me that you are a sweet little human baby girl that will soon light up my life with indescribable joy.  I must admit that I am a tad nervous to meet you... not in a bad way, but in a "My last baby" way. I know that I will not do this again... I know that I am done physically... but knowing that makes your birth all that more unique and special.

I will hold you so dear to my heart my little baby girl. You will be my last newborn diaper, my last breast feeding, my last swaddle. I may not be on top of your belly pictures and blogs, but I will sure as hell be on top my last baby's firsts. I will cherish you sweetheart... so don't you ever feel unloved, as there is an endless amount of love in your Mama's heart to go around.

Mucho Love, Sloane!

It's a deal.

Some days you need to stop and question why things happen the way they do. Really stop and just listen.
I did this today, and was greeted with the most beautiful awareness.
Love.

That is hopefully what every lesson leads to... in some form or another.
I have found this to be the ultimate goal in most of my life's journeys. The more difficult the journey, the more love received.

Such loves come in many forms... the immense and unwavering love that can only be the result of a relationship that has been tested through and through. The honest and pure love that only comes from the innocence of children. The concerned and supportive love that only dear friends and family know how to give as they know you best and how to deliver a smile or a hug when needed. Then, there is the new love that I was made aware of today. The love of a new friend. Someone that shares some commonality with you that combines all of the above, a certain perspective and compassion that is collective with few. I thank you for helping me to see this today, friend. You are one of the many loves that I have gained in this journey.
I am truly blessed for all of my loves. Even as I grow weary on certain days, I will always have room for the hope of love to grow.

Mucho Love!

Oh NO!

If you know me even somewhat well, you should hopefully be aware that I am a pretty decent and loving person. I like to see the bright side of life and not dwell on the negatives for any longer than to just acknowledge them and shoo them out the door.
I have had my ups and downs in life... and I keep rolling just like most of you. I speak my mind when I don't agree, but usually try to appreciate that I must maintain an open mind in all instances.

I write this knowing that you may not hold the same values in life that I do, or even agree with mine, but to me, this is one of those instances that is close to my heart. I believe we are all created equal and I will ALWAYS vote for equality.

I am writing this as a human being... someone that expects you to live your life the way you choose and allow me the freedom to live my life the way I choose. We are not here very long in the grand scheme of it all, and I highly doubt our "earthly mission" is to judge others.
Please VOTE NO on the marriage amendment as well as NO to voter restriction this Tuesday, November 6th. Let's not limit someone's RIGHT to be who they are. You may not agree, but you have your life and your freedom, let's let every other human being be allowed the same. Let's be equal.

MUCH LOVE!!

Birth-DRAY!

What a lovely Birthday it has been.

I woke up this October 9th to the sweet kisses of my beautiful son... then to see that my husband had already taken it upon himself to start the morning before me... which isn't always the norm, but this morning was different. It was my birthday.

After the sweet kisses from Adrayn; Jeremy walked in the room bearing a gift. This shocked me as we aren't big on giving each other gifts. We are more givers of time and "doing" things like dishes, foot rubs, etc.
A tad surprised, yet grinning I opened the card first... such a beautifully written card which immediately filled my heart with joy! He loves me so much...  and I feel every ounce as I read his kind words.

Next I open the gift... two beautiful books inscribed with loving words. One is a book of love stories to read together before bed and the other a book on love. Completely thoughtful, and completely me.

After the impromptu gift, it was time for a delicious breakfast! Banana & Bacon pancakes with maple syrup!! Oh my goodness... if you have never had them... you must try! It is a flavor explosion that is indescribable! Salty, sweet, savory, and soooo comfortingly filling!


So many more wonderful and glorious things happened to make my special day... parental love with lunch at The Good Earth, friend love through facebook messages, and family love with calls. I was feeling everyone's love!
I appreciate everyone in my life and am happy to have made it another fabulous year with you all. Thank you, and let's do it all over again!!

Mucho Love!

The Waiting Game

7/30/12

I write this blog knowing that it will not be posted for another couple months or so... waiting to tell the little ones the news. However, I cannot not write in the meantime as so much is happening in baby land!

I had an inkling that something was "amiss" when the kids came to stay in early June, but postponed verifying until they headed back to their moms. Well, the answer was YES as of early July! That month came and went with the kids and I scheduled a visit with the midwife after the kids headed back to their moms in July!
That brings me to my first ultrasound Doc appt, which was 7/30/12.
I was told that my pregnancy with you was 3 weeks further along than your Papa and I had originally thought!? How does that happen? Your Papa is even more on top of my girlie schedule than I am and he was guessing later than I was!

I guess you can already be pregnant while you have your period... or that it can take a cycle or two for your system to figure it out? Wow, that was a shock to me as I already have a child in which no such circumstance happened. Always time for new experiences I guess?!

Here I am ... just as impatient as I was the first time.

My brain has taken on a mind of it's own yet again with internal conversation such as "What will your sex be? Will you be healthy? How in the hell will Papa and I financially manage?!"
Well I am comforted by the fact that my parents raised my 2 brothers and I on less than or at least equal to what your Papa and I have, and they had us all in one room as toddlers. We never went out to eat or went on annual family vacations (except Disney World when I was 8) and we were the happiest of children... at least to my recollection... good job mom and dad... no traumatic childhood memories pouring out in adulthood. You must have done an okay job! :)


We had Adrayn at the HCMC Birth Center in 2010 via drug-free waterbirth, but this time we are looking to do something even more "natural". Papa and I are researching home births! I guess it is covered by most insurance companies these days and it also includes a birthing tub if you choose... the best part is that you get to sleep in your own bed!! I've also heard that the midwives start a load of laundry on the way out... ahh... sounds like the most relaxing birth in my book! Hopefully that is something that we can make happen!

It was wild... seeing your little ones fingers, and toes... arms moving... waving "hello" to the camera. You seemed so happy in there, and so at peace. I will in no way rush through any moment for the next to arrive.


8/19/12


Here I am 18 weeks pregnant and barely showing. Presley came and went without a clue, and here Parker is unaware of the big news to come this September. I wonder how they will take it?
Parker mentioned wanting another brother, so maybe that is a sign.

So much love to give and share! We have our last ultrasound in regards to sex on 8/27... not too far away! I can't wait for Papa to see you, little one!
Papa and I have also chosen to have you in our home. I am more excited to have a home birth after experiencing a hospital birth, and the clinical visits thus far in my pregnancy have left more to be desired. Also, our home is where Papa and I were married... were Parker learned to ride his bike, where Presley concocts her magical baked goods, and where Adrayn learned to walk. I cannot think of a better place to be brought into this world?!
We have so much to be thankful for. Life is truly beautiful.

9/18/12

Jeremy is off to get the kiddos and on the way home tell them the big news. I can only imagine how it will go down... I'm sure it will be a shock, but I think that the drive back will give them time to process their own feelings about it.

We had the "find out the sex" ultrasound, and final appointment with HCMC as we have now officially signed with a home birth midwife!! YAY!

We will be welcoming our little girl, Sloane Dray Frandrup this January with much anticipation!
We had our first "official" check-up with Emme and Clare at Trillium Midwifery this afternoon (our chosen home birth caregiver). Such an amazing team and an instant connection for Jeremy and I!

I feel so blessed to have such beautiful options!! Now, we just need to convince our Health Insurance Company that the $15-20,000 savings by going with a home birth (which includes all prenatal and postnatal appointments as well) is worth fully covering (fingers crossed)!!!

Average "natural" Hospital Birth w/ appointments = $20,000 - $30,000
Average "natural" Midwife Home Birth w/ appointments  = $3,500 - $6,000

In the meantime Jeremy and I are paying what we can, and knowing that this option will soon pay for itself with the beautiful memories it will create in our beautiful home.

Love you my little Sloane... I feel your little kicks and taps in my belly and know you are as your name describes... a warrior. :)

Finally... I can post this!!!


Life is grand, Mucho Love!

Kids have it all figured out.

Today will be filled with possibilities of greatness, and I will only choose to see the greatness in all that happens.Love can come from any moment.