Wow.
What a year.
I am learning so much. It all is in a painful way for me, personally, but nonetheless it is hopefully all for the better. My mom and I went to get our "Chakra's Cleansed" recently... I have done this before, and pretty recently at that... however, this day it was needed more than ever.
I awoke to hearing my son having a seizure downstairs in bed with my husband. I could hear it through the floor... his choking breaths... gasping. It almost stopped me from heading out to the appointment, but it didn't as my husband sternly said "You need this, you need to be well for Adrayn".
He was right... I have been seeking help here and there, and it all does help... but temporarily... then I'm back in this same rut... the "victim" role that I tend to seep into when I'm most lost.
This time, this "cleanse" was different. I walked into it in a sullen and dark mood... I had puffy eyes from crying all morning... all week... I have been so lost.
I will say that I am not "fixed" by any means... I am also not happy about what I am facing in anyway... BUT I do feel a little more comfort in knowing that it has nothing to do with me...
Suzanne, my mom, and I danced around the "what ifs" and circled the "worst case"... all of it lead me back to an answer... simple, and hard to cope with.... I HAVE NO CONTROL.
Yes... I am the MOM and YES I have say in if my son is on medication, vitamins, his diet, or what he come into contact with... but other than that... I really have no say. I have no say in what Adrayn's fate is, or if he will outgrow this... if he will take to the remedies I put forth... that is up to him and the "universe"....
Then I got to thinking... do any of us know what will happen to our children...? Ever? We must love the moment.... always live for the MOMENT, as it is really ALL WE HAVE.
I know it sounds cliche, or maybe a tad wacky... maybe all of this is making me a nut-job?! I don't care... as it does bring comfort... in a small way.
One day at a time I will become stronger... one day at a time I will heal myself. I see how me doing that is helping my son.
During his next seizure I will hold him, and I will imagine that my motherly warmth will help him. I will not run away, I will not assume that I am so powerful that I create them. That is Amy playing the victim...because this is all too heavy to deal with.
Well.... I must deal. I chose this life, and I must face it head on.
Bring it. I am ready.
I am now on the path to serenity.
